Icarus Was Ridiculous Read online

  So Helen said no to the perm but yes to moving to Troy with Paris, so they sneaked off together. And they took LOADS of stuff with them, like all the GOLD VASES and SILVER CUTLERY and King Menelaus’s new CAPPUCCINO MACHINE.

  And Paris had even tried to take a bit of the CARPET but Helen said that that was going TOO FAR so he didn’t.

  When King Menelaus found out, he was

  and he kept shouting that Helen was HIS and that he was a KING and that Paris was only a PRINCE and that HIS sandals were MUCH nicer than the ones Paris had been wearing.

  King Menelaus said that he was going to go to Troy and get Helen BACK. Then he asked all his KING PALS if they would come with him for BACKUP because he didn’t know if Paris had any big brothers or anything like that. And they all said yes and that they’d bring their ARMIES too because they thought it was really cheeky of Paris to come to Ancient Greece and steal Menelaus’s wife and also because they knew that King Menelaus would just keep asking them, over and over, until they said yes because that was just what he was like.

  But then KING ODYSSEUS OF ITHACA said that he couldn’t go to Troy because he’d forgotten that he was supposed to be getting his hair cut the next day.

  So that’s when everyone started saying, “OH COME ON, ODDY!” because they all called him Oddy and also because they knew that he was probably just LYING about his HAIR APPOINTMENT and that he just wanted to stay at home all day eating grapes.

  But Odysseus said that he WASN’T lying and that it had taken him MONTHS to get the appointment and that it was with the best hairdresser in the whole of ANCIENT GREECE. So that’s when King Agamemnon leaned over and whispered to Odysseus that if he didn’t come then he’d tell EVERYONE about him not being able to tie his own SANDALS and Odysseus’s face went a bit red and he said that he would go.

  So all the kings started getting their ARMIES together and Odysseus went looking for ACHILLES because he was the BEST WARRIOR in all of Ancient Greece.

  Then the next day, King Menelaus and all his king pals packed loads of SANDWICHES and JUICE and PUZZLES and got in their boats and began to sail across the Aegean Sea to Troy. Menelaus said that he was going to pick one of his king pals to be in charge of the MISSION because he needed to finish a POEM and also a SOCK BUNNY that he was making for Helen. And then he said that he wouldn’t be doing any of the ROWING either because he needed to save his

  ALL the kings wanted to be in CHARGE because then they would get to order EVERYONE about and make the first SANDCASTLE when they reached the beach at Troy.

  But Menelaus chose Agamemnon and everyone TUTTED and rolled their EYES because they all knew that Menelaus had picked Agamemnon because they were BROTHERS.

  But Menelaus said that that was RUBBISH and that he’d picked Agamemnon because he’d brought the most SHIPS. And when Menelaus said that he gave another of the kings, KING AJAX, a bit of a LOOK because Agamemnon had brought ONE HUNDRED ships and Ajax had only brought TWELVE. And Ajax didn’t do any more tutting after that.

  Having Agamemnon in charge was a

  because he LOVED IT and he kept making everyone do loads of stuff for him like cut the CRUSTS off his cheese sandwiches and polish every single bit of the ONE-THOUSAND-PIECE JIGSAW that he’d brought with him for when he was bored of rowing.

  But when they got to Troy, Agamemnon got a WEIRD LOOK on his face and it was OBVIOUS that he wished he wasn’t in charge any more and it was probably because the city of Troy was completely surrounded by huge STONE WALLS guarded by TROJAN SOLDIERS who had SPEARS and SPIKES and REALLY MEAN LOOKS on their faces.

  So Agamemnon asked if anyone ELSE would like a turn at being COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF but everyone just shook their heads and looked down at their sandals. Then Odysseus said that he thought they should knock on the GATES OF TROY and ask for Helen. And Menelaus nodded LOADS and said that he would go too and also that they should ask about his CAPPUCCINO MACHINE.

  So Odysseus and Menelaus went up to the gates and knocked for ages but no one answered. Then a TROJAN MAN called ANTIMACHUS stuck his head out of a little hole in the door and shouted, “You lot are NEVER getting in here. So you can CLEAR OFF!”

  Odysseus was RAGING after that because he’d just been trying to sort everything out NICELY. And Menelaus was annoyed TOO because he was SURE that he’d smelled CAPPUCCINO on Antimachus’s breath.

  So that’s when Agamemnon said that it was

  and then he told everyone to start climbing the walls. So they did. But they kept slipping down because of their sandals. Especially Achilles because he’d always had a bit of a dodgy ankle. And even when they DID reach the top, the Trojan guards would just stamp on their fingers until they fell back again.

  But Agamemnon kept making them try, again and again, until eventually Achilles started CRYING and saying that he wanted to go home because he’d already had his fingers stamped on TWICE and also because the straps on his sandals had snapped.

  But Agamemnon said NO and that they weren’t leaving without HELEN.

  And then all of a sudden Achilles stopped complaining about his sandals and it wasn’t because he’d managed to fix them or because all the other soldiers were rolling their eyes at him, it was because someone had shot him right in his dodgy ankle with an ARROW and he was dead.

  Now Agamemnon was RAGING about Achilles being dead and he shouted, “WHO DID THAT?!” over the wall and a voice said, “IT WAS ME! PARIS! And the god APOLLO helped me so you’d all better GET LOST or you’ll get the SAME!”

  So that’s when Agamemnon said, “THIS IS WAR!” and everyone nodded because they already knew that it was war. But then Agamemnon said, “No. I mean, this is REALLY war now. LET’S GET THEM!” And all the Greek soldiers CHEERED.

  Then Agamemnon took something out from underneath his TOGA and smiled. And then he shouted, “PARIS? ARE YOU STILL THERE?”

  And Paris said, “NO!”

  And Agamemnon said, “I’VE FOUND SOMETHING OVER HERE. IT LOOKS LIKE A CAN OF HAIRSPRAY.”

  And Paris GASPED and shouted, “THAT’S MINE! THROW IT OVER!” because he hadn’t been able to get out to the shops to buy hairspray and his PERM was a bit of a state.

  So Agamemnon winked at the other Greek soldiers and then SHOOK the can loads and threw it over the wall.

  And as SOON as it landed Paris started spraying it ALL OVER his hair until he realised that it didn’t SMELL like hairspray and that it looked a bit GREEN and that he couldn’t really BREATHE any more.

  Then Agamemnon shouted, “PARIS? ARE YOU STILL THERE?”

  But Paris didn’t say anything this time and Agamemnon knew that that meant he was DEAD because the hairspray wasn’t hairspray because it was actually POISON.

  Then Agamemnon said that they should all sit on each other’s SHOULDERS and fight the TROJAN-WALL GUARDS that way but that only lasted about five minutes before there weren’t enough Greeks left because they all had ARROWS through their ARMS and LEGS and HEADS.

  So the kings went and got even MORE soldiers and soon there were THOUSANDS of Ancient Greeks trying to get over the walls.

  But nothing worked. The Greek army couldn’t get in and all the Trojan people were trapped inside. And it wouldn’t have mattered HOW many sandwiches King Menelaus had brought, they STILL would have run out because believe it or not they stayed there for TEN WHOLE YEARS trying to climb the walls.

  EVERYONE had had enough and they kept asking Agamemnon if they could just go home now because it was OBVIOUS that they were never going to get past the walls and loads of them had WAR WOUNDS and none of them had any clean pants left.

  But Agamemnon said that it was up to Menelaus because Helen was HIS wife. And that’s when Menelaus said that he didn’t care if it took ANOTHER TEN YEARS, he wasn’t going ANYWHERE without Helen. And they probably should have just given up and gone home because if you knock on someone’s door for ten years and they don’t answer even though they’re home then it’s pretty OBVIOUS that they don’t want to see you and that you s
hould just take the hint.

  But that just shows you how STUBBORN and SELFISH Menelaus was because he was only thinking about HIMSELF and what HE wanted and he definitely wasn’t thinking about what HELEN wanted OR what all his KING PALS wanted OR about all the TROJAN PEOPLE trapped inside the walls that couldn’t get out to go to the SHOPS because of the Greek soldiers laying SEIGE to the city.

  Then one day Odysseus said that he had an IDEA. And then he started drawing loads of pictures of HORSES and saying that he wanted to make the BIGGEST wooden horse in the WORLD. But everyone just ignored him because they didn’t see how making a wooden horse was going to help anything and also because they thought that he was just doing it to get ATTENTION.

  So that’s when Odysseus said that he had a

  to do with the HORSE and then he whispered something to Agamemnon and Menelaus. And Menelaus’s eyes went WIDE and he shouted, “CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES TO MAKE THE HORSE. NOW!”

  But then Agamemnon did that thing when you clear your throat and make a noise to get everyone’s attention and everyone knew he was doing it to REMIND Menelaus that he wasn’t the one in charge and that he shouldn’t be giving ORDERS.

  So Menelaus said sorry and Agamemnon said that it was OK.

  And then Agamemnon shouted, “CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES TO MAKE THE HORSE. NOW!”

  So everyone started chopping down trees and building the giant horse. And it only took them ONE WEEK to do it because the ANCIENT GREEKS were really good at MAKING STUFF and they are actually the ones who INVENTED loads of stuff that we have today like LIGHTHOUSES and the OLYMPIC GAMES and even ALARM CLOCKS.

  Odysseus went around whispering in everyone’s ears about the SECRET PLAN and every single person GASPED when they heard it because it was a

  and also because they were shocked at how SNEAKY it was.

  As soon as it got dark, Agamemnon and the rest of the Greeks wheeled the horse up to the gates of Troy and opened a SECRET DOOR in the horse’s STOMACH and Odysseus and some of the BEST soldiers climbed inside.

  Then Menelaus stuck a note on the horse that said he was sorry for climbing the walls and trying to steal his wife back for ten years and that the giant horse was a LEAVING GIFT.

  And then they all made a BIG SHOW of packing up their SPEARS and TENTS and all their JIGSAWS and Menelaus kept shouting, “OH, WELL. WE’D BETTER GET HOME TO GREECE THEN. TIME TO GO.”

  Then Menelaus and the rest of the Greeks got in their boats. But they DIDN’T go home. They just sailed around the corner and waited. Because the horse obviously WASN’T a leaving gift and the Greeks were only PRETENDING to give up.

  It took the Trojans AGES to do anything about the giant wooden horse because EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THE TROJANARMY said that King Priam should just leave it OUTSIDE because they didn’t know what was going on.

  But as SOON as King Priam saw the horse he shouted, “That horse is PURE GORGEOUS. Open the gates!”

  And then he ran out and started stroking the wooden horse all over its body because he LOVED horses and he’d never DREAMED that he would be lucky enough to own a giant wooden one.

  The soldiers hiding inside the horse had to stay COMPLETELY SILENT because they didn’t want anyone to know they were in there. But that was really hard because King Priam kept WHISPERING to the horse that he

  And all the soldiers had to put their hands over their mouths and bite the inside of their cheeks to stop themselves from laughing.

  Then Priam found Menelaus’s note and he SQUEALED with happiness and told everyone that the Greeks were GONE FOR GOOD and EVERYONE cheered.

  The Greek soldiers held their breath as the Trojan army wheeled the horse through the gates and into Troy because they were scared of getting caught and also because Odysseus had eaten a WEIRD FISH that he’d found on the beach and he had a SORE TUMMY.

  The Greeks stayed inside the horse while the Trojans had a huge BARBECUE PARTY because FINALLY someone had been able to get out to go to the BIG SUPERMARKET and they hadn’t had any BURGERS for AGES.

  The Trojans went WILD that night because they thought THE WAR between them and the Ancient Greeks was FINALLY OVER and that everyone could relax now and get a good sleep without having to listen to Menelaus shouting “COME HOME, BABY CAKES” over the walls to Helen in the middle of the night.

  Odysseus and the Greek soldiers waited PATIENTLY inside the horse while everyone had the party around them. And it wasn’t easy because it was REALLY HOT inside the horse and they were STARVING because Agamemnon had forgotten to give them a packed lunch and they could SMELL the burgers.

  As soon as the Trojans EVENTUALLY stopped partying and went to bed King Menelaus and the rest of the Ancient Greeks sailed their ships back around the corner and sneaked ashore on their TIPTOES and waited outside the gates.

  Then Odysseus and his soldiers climbed out of the horse’s stomach and ate all the barbecue LEFTOVERS. And they were SO HUNGRY that they completely forgot that they were supposed to be on a DANGEROUS MISSION and also that there were THOUSANDS OF GREEK SOLDIERS waiting to be let in.

  But then all of a sudden they heard a voice say, “PSSSST!” and they all gasped and dropped their food on the ground and ran over and OPENED THE GATES TO TROY.

  Odysseus and the soldiers stood up really straight and tried to pretend like they hadn’t been eating the leftovers even though it was OBVIOUS because they had KETCHUP all over their faces and Odysseus had even dribbled some down his TUNIC.

  Agamemnon gave Odysseus a LOOK but Menelaus didn’t even NOTICE the ketchup because he was too busy storming around Troy crying, “BABY CAKES! BABY CAKES!”

  That’s when Priam appeared in his HORSEY PYJAMAS and when he saw MENELAUS and the GREEK ARMY and the HOLE in the wooden horse’s stomach he started SCREAMING for the TROJAN ARMY. But the Trojan army were FAST ASLEEP because they were EXHAUSTED from eating all the BURGERS and HOTDOGS and CHICKEN-ON-A-STICK.

  And that’s when Priam started CRYING and saying Helen didn’t even LIVE with them any more and that she lived in her OWN HOUSE at the other side of Troy and that’s when King Menelaus found out that he’d been shouting over the WRONG WALL for ten years.

  King Menelaus told Priam EXACTLY what he thought of his son taking his BABY CAKES and Priam just stood there listening and didn’t say anything back. And then when Menelaus eventually stopped shouting, Priam said, “Are you finished?” And Menelaus said that he was, actually. And so Priam said that he needed to ask him something and that now probably wasn’t the right time but that if he didn’t ask him now then he might NEVER get a chance to ask him because they were probably about to

  So Menelaus said OK. And that’s when Priam said that he needed to know where he’d got his CARPETS from and that it had been his son’s DYING WISH to know because he’d tried to get the same one for his bedroom but he said it wasn’t NEARLY as soft as the one in King Menelaus’s palace and it had been bothering him for TEN YEARS.

  But Menelaus just LAUGHED and said there was NO WAY he was telling him because his son had stolen his WIFE and he wasn’t going to let him COPY HIS CARPETS!

  Menelaus was just about to DRAW HIS SWORD and chop Priam’s permy head off when HELEN appeared. And even though he hadn’t seen her for ten years he recognised her RIGHT AWAY even though she had a shaved head now.

  King Menelaus was just about to ask what happened to her head when Helen held up her hand and said, “BEFORE you ask, SOMEONE tried to give me a PERM.”

  And that’s when Helen looked at Priam and Priam looked down at the ground and Menelaus knew RIGHT AWAY that that must be the reason that Helen had moved out of Paris’s mum and dad’s house.

  But then one of the TROJAN SOLDIERS appeared because he needed to use the water fountain because he was THIRSTY from eating all the MEAT. And when he saw King Menelaus and THOUSANDS of ANCIENT GREEKS he ran off to wake up the rest of the Trojan army.

  So Menelaus told one of his soldiers to take Helen to the boat and then the Greeks and the Trojans had
an EPIC BATTLE. And there were SWORDS and HEADS and BURGERS flying around EVERYWHERE. And the gods watched the WHOLE THING and Zeus even made them all POPCORN because the gods were a bit sick like that and they enjoyed watching wars and arguments and people falling off their horses. And at one point they even got involved and did stuff like untie people’s SANDALS and then laugh when they fell over.

  Aphrodite was LOVING watching all the trouble she’d caused but Athena said that she was getting a bit BORED so she decided to make the giant wooden horse WOBBLE and Odysseus shouted, “RUN!”

  So all the Greeks ran out of Troy and sailed back to ANCIENT GREECE.

  Helen started shouting at Menelaus THE SECOND he got on the boat because she was RAGING about how he thought he could just TAKE her back to Sparta without even ASKING if that’s what she wanted.

  So that’s when King Menelaus said sorry and asked if there was anything he could do to make it better. And she said yes and that he could make sure that he didn’t stand so close to her when they got home and that she needed more SPACE especially because she needed to keep practising her YODELLING now that she was a PROFESSIONAL YODELLER.

  And then Helen smiled and asked him if he wanted to hear and that she’d been practising for ten years and Menelaus said yes.

  Then when Helen was finished King Menelaus looked a bit worried and he asked her if she was going to YODEL at him again because he didn’t like it and he was starting to think that maybe it had been a bit of a bad idea to go to Troy and get her after all.

  And Helen said that she WAS and that she was going to yodel ALL THE WAY BACK TO ANCIENT GREECE. And that’s when everyone GROANED because they all knew that it was going to be a LONG JOURNEY.