Attack of the Demon Dinner Ladies Read online

  I never knew that there was more than one type of famous.

  I thought you could only be famous for doing GOOD stuff, like being a king or winning the Olympics or being someone who can cut bushes into really fancy shapes. But then I found out that you can be famous for doing something NOT good, like starting a war or ruining a priceless painting or stealing a scarecrow.

  My friend Jodi says that when you’re famous for doing something BAD then it’s called being

  Like Guy Fawkes when he tried to do fireworks at the Prime Minister’s house when the Prime Minister was sleeping.

  And that’s exactly what happened at our school with the new dinner lady. She was INFAMOUS and we knew that for a FACT because the lollipop man told us. But we didn’t know what she was infamous FOR until all the seagulls appeared and the dinner ladies went bald and we found out about the

  Zach said we should have paid more attention to the WEIRD FEELING I got every time I saw the new girl because if we had then maybe Maisie wouldn’t have been taken away by the seagulls. And he’s right. Because finding someone who has been taken away by seagulls is not an easy thing to do, especially when they’re as small as Maisie and you can’t even follow their screams because they’ve fainted. So all you can do is follow the trail of socks.

  It all started on a Friday when we were on our way to school dinners.

  We were walking down the stairs and that’s when Maisie said, “That’s weird. I still can’t smell it.”

  And it WAS weird because Maisie meant that she couldn’t smell the

  and Maisie ALWAYS smells the shepherd’s pie before we get to the dining hall when it’s Shepherd’s Pie Day. And we all knew that it was definitely Shepherd’s Pie Day because it was Friday, and the dinner ladies hadn’t served it yet that week, and they ALWAYS serve it at LEAST once a week, even though it’s stinking.

  When we got to the dining hall, me, Jodi, Zach and Maisie sat down at the Packed Lunch Table because we had packed lunches that day because we all hate the shepherd’s pie and Maisie is actually terrified of it.

  One time, Mrs Kidd (the evil dinner monitor), tried to make Maisie eat the shepherd’s pie and Maisie fainted head first into it because Maisie faints most of the time when she’s scared.

  So anyway, we all wondered why none of us could smell the shepherd’s pie and that’s when we noticed that something

  was going on at dinners that day.

  All the dinner ladies looked different. They were wearing new uniforms and they even had fancy hats on, which they don’t usually wear. Usually they just wear old shower caps with their hair poking out all over the place. But I couldn’t even see ONE STRAND of dinner-lady hair and that’s when Zach said that maybe they were all bald now, and that that was why they had to get the hats. But we didn’t know.

  We all thought it was weird that the dinner ladies hadn’t made shepherd’s pie this week, and that they had new clothes and hats and were maybe all bald.

  Jodi said that maybe the reason for all the BALDNESS was that the FUMES from making the shepherd’s pie for years had killed their HAIR FOLLICLES and that that was why they were all bald now and also why they weren’t making shepherd’s pie any more.

  But then Maisie’s hands started shaking and she said, “I think it’s more than that. LOOK.” And we all looked at the water jug, because that’s what Maisie was pointing at.

  Everyone STARED at the water jug in silence until Zach finally said, “What ARE those?”

  I said that I had NO IDEA and Jodi shook her head that she didn’t either.

  “They look like some sort of tiny EYES!” said Zach. And that’s when Maisie jumped with fright and accidently knocked over the jug and the eye-water spilled all over the table and floor.

  It took AGES to calm Maisie down, even after we’d been sent to eat our packed lunches in the playground because Mrs Kidd said we’d caused a SCENE.

  Mrs Kidd wouldn’t even tell us what the weird eye-things were doing in our jug of water and Jodi said she thought it was because she looked just as shocked as us to see them, and that she probably didn’t know what they were.

  Maisie wouldn’t stop screaming about the EYEBALL WATER being on her sleeve so I had to take her jumper off and give her mine to wear so she wouldn’t faint, even though my jumper was FAR too big for her.

  That’s when Jodi said, “Do you think they were real eyes?” And I gave Jodi a LOOK because I had just managed to calm Maisie down and didn’t want her to go all wobbly again.

  But then Maisie said it was OK to talk about the eyes, because she wanted to know what was going on so she could decide if she needed her mum to write her a note to say she wasn’t allowed to go to the dining hall ever again.

  Zach said that the eyes had looked like tiny black, beady animal eyes and we all agreed that they had.

  And Jodi said that they were probably COCKROACH EYES. And then Maisie had to put her head between her knees for ages until she started breathing normally again.

  Nobody was sure what to do next so we decided to wait until lunch the next day to see if the eyes were in our water jug again.

  So that’s when Jodi said that we should all DEFINITELY bring packed lunches HAD put cockroach eyes in our water then WHO KNEW what they were putting in the food! because if the dinner ladies really And she was right so we all promised we’d bring packed lunches on Monday.

  On Monday, everyone remembered to bring a packed lunch except me.

  As soon as Miss Jones (that’s our teacher) asked who was going to school dinners and who had a packed lunch I started to panic.

  Then Jodi said, “How could you forget to ask for a packed lunch today?”

  So I explained that I hadn’t forgotten to ASK for a packed lunch, actually, but that I’d just forgotten in BRING it.

  That’s when Maisie said, “We need to make Izzy a FAKE packed lunch or WHO KNOWS what the dinner ladies will make her eat!”

  So Zach found an old plastic Tesco bag at the bottom of his backpack and we put loads of scrunched-up paper in it and tied it shut and wrote

  on the bag in black pen so that it looked like I had a packed lunch with me.

  But then Jodi said that it wasn’t HEAVY enough to be believable so we had to open it again and put a stapler in before Miss Jones saw.

  I was just about to ask Zach if he was going to share his packed lunch with me when we got to dinners later because I didn’t want to starve when a girl with bright red hair walked past the classroom door.

  That’s when I said, “Who is SHE?” because the girl looked like she was the same age as us, but I’d never seen her before. But by the time everyone looked, the girl was already gone.

  At lunch, Mrs Kidd made me open my fake lunch bag in front of her because the plastic bag was mostly see-through and she said she didn’t believe that it was my lunch.

  Once Miss Kidd saw all the scrunched-up paper and the stapler she told me to go and collect a tray and get my lunch from the dinner ladies.

  I didn’t really have a choice, so I got up and went to collect a tray. That’s when I got the biggest shock EVER because MAISIE got up too and put her packed lunch in the bin and said that she was coming with me.

  Maisie is not very often brave because she’s usually too busy shaking or screaming or fainting.

  So I said, “Maisie, are you SURE you want to do this?”

  And Maisie said, “I’m sure.” And I was glad because I didn’t want to face the dinner ladies on my own and also because I’d noticed that Maisie’s sandwich had fallen on top of someone’s old milk so she wouldn’t be able to pick it out if she changed her mind.

  When we were in the dinner queue, Maisie squeezed
my arm and pointed over to Zach and Jodi and that’s when I saw one of the dinner ladies putting a jug of water down on our table.

  We tried to get their attention to see if there were cockroach eyes in the water again, but they were too busy

  at the water jug, so we guessed that there were.

  I didn’t really have any more time to think about why the dinner ladies had started putting insect eyes in the water jugs because that’s when me and Maisie noticed the STRANGEST THING EVER.

  ALL of the dinner ladies were wearing

  Maisie and I both gasped a bit when one of them looked right at us and said, “What would you like, dearie?”

  I was so shocked when she asked me because usually the dinner ladies don’t ask you what you want. They usually just put it on your plate or say, “One scoop or two?”

  That’s when I realised I was going to have to answer, but I had NO IDEA what the options were because I hadn’t looked at the menu in the classroom and also because I couldn’t see inside the trays because they had fancy covers on them that they don’t usually have.

  So I just shrugged and the dinner lady looked annoyed and handed me a menu. But I didn’t really recognise any of the things on it so I just stood there for ages until the dinner lady eventually sighed and told me to go away and come back when I was ready.

  So me and Maisie ran back to our seats to show Jodi and Zach the menu. And THAT’S when we noticed the water jug.

  There were at least TWENTY little black things floating around at the bottom of the water jug.

  That’s when Jodi said, “They look more like FISH EGGS today.”

  Then Jodi said that we should take one out so we could see it better. But none of us were brave enough to go NEAR the water jug in case one of them jumped out of the water at us. So we just left the jug in the middle of the table and used the new fancy napkins to cover up the bottom of the jug so we couldn’t see the fish eggs floating around at the bottom.

  That’s when we asked Jodi and Zach if they’d seen the dinner ladies’ weird GOGGLES (they HAD) and then we showed them the menu.

  EVERYONE thought the menu was weird. It didn’t have ANY of the usual food on it. And it had loads of weird words that none of us really understood like POACHED and QUAIL and TEMPURA.

  And THAT’S when we all looked at each other and realised at the same time that something was seriously WRONG with the dinner ladies.

  The next day Maisie wouldn’t cross the road to school because she was scared of the seagulls sitting outside the school gates.

  Eventually, the lollipop man managed to get Maisie to cross the road because even though he doesn’t really like people most of the time, he likes Maisie and is very good at speaking to her. And one time he gave her his tissue made of actual cloth material when she was crying because of her new shoes, and he even let her keep it after she blew her nose on it.

  Once we were at the other side of the road, the lollipop man asked Maisie if she was OK, and Maisie said that she was but that she didn’t want to go to school dinners.

  That made the lollipop man laugh. And then he said, “I don’t blame you, lass. I hear there’s a lot of weird stuff on the menu now that we’ve got this new head dinner lady. Not a lot of people know that she used to work here a long, long time ago. Think I’m the only one who was here then.”

  We all stared at each other because we had NO IDEA that there was a new head dinner lady.

  Then the lollipop man said, “I’m surprised she’s back after what happened here before. She’s infamous, that one.”

  That’s when Jodi said, “What DID happen before?”

  But the lollipop man just said, “Right, on your way.”

  And I STARED at Jodi and gave her

  because she knew FINE WELL that the

  lollipop man didn’t like us asking him questions, or talking to him at all, and that we should have got Maisie to ask because then he might have told us why the new head dinner lady was so

  As soon as the bell went for break we all RAN to The Den so we could talk about what the lollipop man had said.

  The Den is our secret meeting place that nobody knows about except us. It’s under the stairs that go up to the boys’ toilets and it used to be where the old caretaker had his lunch and kept all his tools and wrote letters to the Head Teacher before he retired.

  One time we even found one of the letters but we couldn’t give it to the Head Teacher because we’ve got a new Head Teacher now and also because it said things like

  and

  And he’d also written a bit of a poem about Mr Murphy’s beard and face. So it was just as well we couldn’t give it to Mr Murphy because it would probably make him cry again.

  So anyway, The Den is ours now and we use it for having our secret meetings and for when we need to hide because Mrs Seith (the scary Deputy Head) is looking for us because we’ve done something wrong.

  So anyway, as soon as we closed the door and sat on our buckets, Jodi got out the pens and the whiteboard that we found in the bin in the classroom last week.

  When we first took the whiteboard out of the bin and brought it to The Den, Zach said that it was STEALING. But I explained that if something is in the bin it means it doesn’t belong to anyone any more so it WASN’T stealing. And also that someone had written the word HYENA on one side with the wrong pen, and that it wouldn’t rub off, and that that was probably why our teacher, Miss Jones, had put it in the bin.

  So Jodi got a pen and started writing something on the side that didn’t have HYENA on it and then she held it up for everyone to see. And this is what it said:

  And that’s when Jodi had to explain to us all what the word INFAMOUS meant because none of us had ever heard it before, but Jodi had because her mum’s ex-boyfriend is a police officer. And he used to tell her LOADS about all the police words because Jodi is very interested in CRIME and POLICE INVESTIGATIONS and HANDCUFFS.

  So that’s when we all found out that the new head dinner lady must be famous for doing something BAD.

  Zach said, “Do you think she did something bad here? At this school?”

  And I said that I did because the lollipop man had said

  That’s when Maisie took off her shoes and curled up on the floor and put her jacket over herself like a blanket.

  Jodi said, “Maisie, don’t worry. If we can deal with aliens and spies and vampire rats then we can deal with a dinner lady, can’t we?”

  And Maisie nodded that we could but I could tell that she didn’t really mean it.

  Zach said that we all needed to think

  and that things might not actually be as bad as we thought.

  And that’s when Maisie said, “Why? What do you think she did?”

  And Zach said that he probably just thought the same as everyone else. And we all looked at each other because we didn’t know WHAT he was talking about.

  Then Jodi said, “Zach, I have NO IDEA why the new head dinner lady is INFAMOUS.”

  And I said that I didn’t either and Maisie just whimpered.

  That’s when Zach said, “Oh. I thought it was obvious.”

  Jodi took a deep breath and handed Zach the white board, in case what Zach meant was too scary to say out loud. And because she likes to use the board now we’ve got it.

  Zach took the white board and wrote something down. And it said:

  When we got back to the classroom after break none of us could concentrate. And when the bell went we were all REALLY nervous about going to dinners, even though we’d all brought packed lunches, and Maisie had brought two in case one of us forgot.

  On our way down the stairs to the dining hall, we promised we would

  when the water jug was put on our table and that one of us would be BRAVE and use a fork to get one of the weird eye things out so we could take it back to The Den and keep it as EVIDENCE that the new head dinner lady was a poisoner.

  But then Zach said that the new head dinner lady might have poisoned someone A
CCIDENTLY and that she might not be trying to poison us.

  But then Jodi said that you probably wouldn’t be called INFAMOUS if you poisoned someone by accident, and that you would probably have to have done something bad on PURPOSE. But that she wasn’t a hundred per cent sure.

  So then Maisie unwrapped her scarf from around her mouth so she could speak. And then she said, “What about the COCKROACH EYES and all the WEIRD stuff on the new menu?”

  And we all looked at Zach to see what he thought now and he said, “You’re right. She probably IS trying to poison us on purpose.”

  And then Maisie wrapped her scarf back around her neck and face so much that we had to help her walk to the dining hall because she couldn’t really see.

  When we got to the dinner hall things were even WEIRDER than they’d been yesterday.

  There were LOADS more dinner ladies than we’d ever seen before. And they were all standing in a row WATCHING US come in. And they were SMILING! It was seriously creepy.

  That’s when Maisie said, “Can we just take our packed lunches outside? PLEASE?!”

  But Jodi said that we had to stay because we needed to find out for sure if the new head dinner lady was trying to poison us all to death. She said we needed to

  But when we went to sit down, we realised that something STRANGE had happened to the packed lunch table. It was a MUCH smaller table than it used to be and we were the only ones sitting at it because EVERYONE else had trays and they were all going up for school dinners.