My Head Teacher is a Vampire Rat Read online

  I used to think that ghosts were the scariest things EVER! At our school we even have our own ghost, and she haunts the school dinners because that’s where she died a hundred years ago when she choked to death on the shepherd’s pie. And now she haunts the dinner hall and the dinner ladies, but they still make shepherd’s pie. So I suppose she must not be that good at haunting people.

  Most people think it’s only houses, and castles and schools that can be haunted but it’s not; ANYTHING can be haunted. For example, you could have a haunted shoe on right now and you wouldn’t even know it. And there’s not really any way to know for sure until your shoe flies off your foot or something. And then you know.

  One time me and Jodi (that’s my friend) found out that loads of stuff can be haunted when we were staying in a caravan with Jodi’s gran, and Jodi’s gran was sleeping, and Jodi was bored so she said, “Caravans are boring,” and then all of a sudden Jodi’s fold-away bed folded up with her inside it!

  And I had to pull her out and it took ages because Jodi was tangled up in all the sheets and she kept screaming,

  “IT SMELLS IN HERE!

  GET ME OUT!”

  And then the next morning the toaster burned Jodi’s toast. Then when Jodi was having a shower the water kept going hot then cold, then cold then hot, and Jodi kept screaming, and we both knew that the caravan ghost was annoyed at her because she’d said that caravans were boring. And it was obvious because all of the stuff was only happening to Jodi and not me, and not to her gran.

  But this isn’t the story about the Caravan Ghost, or about the Shepherd’s Pie Ghost, or even about any ghosts at all. This is the story about the time that the weirdest and scariest thing EVER happened. And it happened at our school. And it was even scarier than all the ghosts in the world coming to your house at the same time!

  It was the

  time ever because it had to do with hundreds of vampire rats, and garlic muffins, and our other friend, Zach, nearly getting his nose blood drunk by the new Head Teacher!

  And like Jodi says, when we broke into the Head Teacher’s office to get the coffin we could have all been eaten alive!

  Everything started on Monday when me and my friend Zach, who lives downstairs, got to school.

  We tried to meet Jodi and our other friend Maisie outside the classroom before class started, like we always do, but we couldn’t even get up the stairs to where our classroom is because there was a big sign that said,

  I didn’t have a CLUE what was going on, and why our classroom and the stairs were now DANGEROUS, because they had been fine on Friday when we left school. So me and Zach went to the staff room and knocked on the door and asked for Miss Jones (that’s our teacher). But when we asked her about all the DANGER signs, she just told us to do what the sign said and to report to the assembly hall, so we did. But I was a bit annoyed because even though Miss Jones is nice and everything, she could have just told us what was going on because she was standing RIGHT THERE.

  So anyway, when we got to the hall, everyone was saying loads of stuff like how the school was crumbling to the ground, and about how if the assembly didn’t hurry up and start we would probably all be buried to death. I was starting to get a bit worried, but then I saw Jodi and Maisie standing in the store cupboard at the back of the hall, waving at us to come over.

  That’s when Jodi explained that there had been an EARTHQUAKE in the night. And that it had only affected the school, obviously. And that me and Zach needed to stand under the store-cupboard doorframe with her and Maisie for when the AFTERSHOCK hit. And that if we didn’t, all the bricks would fall on our heads and kill us.

  And this is one of the reasons that I am very happy I am friends with Jodi, because she is very good at lots of stuff to do with

  and she’s even made an

  about what we would do if one of us got accidently locked in the classroom.

  Like the time that happened to Gary Petrie when he was in the store cupboard tidying up because that was his punishment for licking Lynsey Perry’s pencil case. But then when the bell went for lunch, Miss Jones and everybody else forgot all about him being in there, and we all left and Miss Jones locked the door.

  Then when we got back to the classroom after our lunch, we saw that Gary Petrie had his face squashed up against the glass, and that he was crying. Miss Jones was trying to open the door, but she couldn’t get her key in the lock because Gary Petrie had got loads of pens, and pencils, and a ruler stuck in there when he was trying to escape.

  So Miss Jones told us all to wait while she ran off to get help. But Gary Petrie just kept crying and screaming through the door about how he was STARVING and about how he needed a wee.

  So me and Zach tried to squash half a Mars Bar under the door, because even though I do not like Gary Petrie very much, because he does things like lick people’s pencil cases and has bogey fingers, I still did not want him to starve to death.

  So Gary Petrie ate a bit of the Mars Bar off the floor, and we asked him if he was feeling any better, and he said that he was worse, and that he was going to wee himself. And then he started panicking, and jumping around.

  That’s when Jodi said, “Gary. Listen to me very closely. You’re going to have to do a wee in the bin.”

  Everyone was shocked. But then Jodi said that it was either that or Gary Petrie’s bladder would explode and then he’d die. Then Jodi put her hand against the glass. And then Gary put his hand against the glass too. And I knew it was because Jodi was trying to make Gary Petrie be brave.

  Then Jodi told him that we would all go down to the end of the corridor so that we wouldn’t see him doing a wee in the bin. And he said OK. And also that he didn’t want to die. So we all ran down to the very end of the corridor and waited.

  But then Miss Jones came back with the caretaker, and even though we all told her NOT to go up to the door, she went anyway. And that’s when she screamed, and the caretaker said, “DISGRACEFUL BEHAVIOUR!” and nobody was allowed back into the classroom until it had been completely DISINFECTED.

  So anyway, we all stood under the doorframe, like Jodi had said to do, and waited for the assembly to start. Then Mrs Seith (the scary Deputy Head) appeared on stage, and she told everyone to “Calm down for goodness’ sake!” and to “Sit on the floor and listen closely.” So we all sat down, but we made sure that we were still under the doorframe.

  And that’s when I said, “Where’s Mr Murphy?” because Mr Murphy is our Head Teacher, and he’s usually on stage for ALL the assemblies.

  But then Mrs Seith heard me talking ALL THE WAY FROM THE STAGE because she hears EVERYTHING. Like the time she told me and Zach off for running in the corridor, and we were at least a mile away from her because we’d seen her coming out of her office and we’d been worried that she’d found out about the Garden Gnome Incident (which I don’t really have time to tell you about just now). So anyway, we were about a mile away from her, because we’d been running our fastest, and I whispered, “Do you think she knows?” and that’s when Mrs Seith shouted, “Do you think she knows WHAT, Isabella?” And I couldn’t believe it! And to this day I still don’t know how she heard me.

  So anyway, I stopped talking RIGHT AWAY because Mrs Seith is SERIOUSLY SCARY and I didn’t want her to shout at me in the assembly hall in front of all the Year 6s.

  So we all listened to Mrs Seith do the “NO EARTHQUAKE” and that the school was definitely “NOT FALLING DOWN” and also that there were

  “ABSOLUTELY NO POISONOUS CHAIR-EATING WORMS WHATSOEVER ON SCHOOL PREMISES”.

  And as soon as she said the word “worm” because Maisie is TERRIFIED OF EVERYTHING, Maisie squealed, and that includes worms, and s
he usually just faints if you even say the word “WORM” never mind a poisonous one that eats chairs!

  Then when Mrs Seith had finished staring at us for the squeal, she told us all that the reason for the

  signs was because the school roof was LEAKING, and that some parts of the school would be closed until the leaks in the roof had been fixed.

  Then Mrs Seith started to tell us which parts of the school were strictly “OUT OF BOUNDS” and we all listened closely. But then she said 4J, and WE are 4J! So that meant that OUR classroom was getting shut down, and we didn’t know what was going to happen to us.

  Zach smiled and said, “I bet we get to go home.”

  And Jodi said, “I bet we don’t.”

  And then Mrs Seith said something that we couldn’t believe. She said, “4J will be sharing a classroom with 6B.” And then everyone in 6B groaned and looked at everyone in 4J because 6B are mostly horrible, and they treat us like we’re babies even though they’re supposed to be nice to us because they’re the Older Ones.

  And that’s when Jodi said, “This is probably the worst day of my life.”

  And Zach said he thought it was going to be cool. But that’s only because all the girls in 6B think he’s great, and one time when they came to our class to help us with our maths, Zach kept getting all the answers wrong, and all the girls in 6B kept saying, “Aww. He’s so cute.”

  But then every time I asked MY one for help, she just shrugged and flicked to the back where the answers are, which we are NEVER allowed to do. And she never called me cute once, or even said ONE WORD to me.

  So anyway, once the assembly was over, we all went to 6B’s classroom. Miss Jones was already there, and she’d brought down all of our workbooks and stuff from our classroom and none of it was wet, which I thought was weird because of leaks in the roof.

  Then we saw that Miss Jones had put up a big curtain in the middle of the classroom so we couldn’t see into 6B’s bit, and so they couldn’t see into our bit. Then Miss Jones told us all to go and find a new seat. So me, and Maisie, and Jodi, and Zach all managed to squeeze around just one table, next to the curtain, and it was better than being in our own classroom actually, because in our own classroom we don’t get to sit at the same table any more, because of sometimes being a “BAD INFLUENCE” on each other. But Miss Jones didn’t say anything about that in the new classroom.

  But then during the lesson, things kept getting thrown over the curtain from 6B’s side. And then somebody poked me in the back through the curtain, so I shouted, “HEY!” And then someone behind the curtain burst out laughing, and Miss Jones sighed and told us to move our table forward as much as we could, so we did.

  Then when we were doing our maths, we could hear 6B doing their maths too because the curtain wasn’t soundproof, and Jodi kept saying about how their maths sounded easy, and that she should probably be doing it. So I was just about to ask Jodi to multiply 139 by 87 in her head, since she thought she was so brainy at maths, but then I heard someone on the other side of the curtain whispering about the REAL reason loads of the school was

  So I said, “Shhhh! Listen!” and Jodi stopped talking and we all listened. But we couldn’t hear properly because we were too far away. So every time Miss Jones wasn’t looking, we moved our table a bit closer to the curtain again, until we were even closer than we’d been when the curtain finger poked me.

  And that’s when we heard one of the 6B’s saying that there WEREN’T any leaks in the roof, and that it hadn’t even been raining last night, and that the REAL reason for the “OUT OF BOUNDS” was because the school had

  And that’s when Maisie fainted and pulled the whole curtain down with her.

  On Tuesday it was horrible walking to school because it was raining really hard, and the sky was really dark like it was still night time, and also because I was freaked out about all the RATS at our school.

  Then when we met Jodi and Maisie outside the classroom, I got a bit of a fright because Maisie had big dark circles under her eyes, and she was wearing plastic bags over her shoes, and she wasn’t really blinking.

  Jodi said that she’d had to tie the bags on Maisie’s feet just to get her to come inside, because Maisie was scared that the rats were going to get in her shoes. I didn’t think that that really made any sense, but I didn’t say anything because Maisie looked in a bit of a state.

  Then Zach made a face and said, “What’s that smell?”

  And Maisie said, “It’s a dead rat.” And then she pointed to her bag.

  Then Maisie started whisper-shouting, which is when you try to whisper something but you end up kind of shouting it, even though you’re still whispering.

  And she said, “It must’ve sneaked into my bag at lunch time, and I’ve not been able to open it, and I’ve not been able to do my homework, and I heard it eating my pencils all night, and I couldn’t sleep, but then it went quiet, and I think it died, and—”

  But then before Maisie could even finish what she was saying Jodi opened Maisie’s bag and emptied it on to the ground. And there weren’t any dead rats inside, just a leftover tuna sandwich that was stinking.

  So Maisie started doing her homework really quickly, and Jodi put the sandwich in the bin. But then the bell went and Miss Jones opened the classroom door and said that everyone had to line up outside because we were going to ANOTHER assembly!

  I thought for SURE that this one was going to be about the rats, and the whole way down to the assembly hall I was getting a bit worried because Zach kept saying things about how the rats had probably killed someone and that was why they had to tell us the truth about the rats, so that we could protect ourselves, because rats carry diseases, like measles and chicken pox and the Plague, and all the stuff he was saying was making me want to have plastic bags tied over my shoes too.

  When we got to the assembly hall, everyone sat on the ground except for us and 6B, who just crouched down a little bit and pretended to sit, because we all knew about the rats.

  Then everyone went really quiet and all you could hear was the rain hitting off the big window, and I didn’t know why everyone had gone so quiet all of a sudden until I looked at the stage and saw that there was a really tall, scary-looking man just standing there STARING at us.

  Zach said, “Who’s that?” And I said that I didn’t know.

  And Jodi said, “He looks weird.” And we all nodded. Then Maisie grabbed my hand and dug her nails in.

  And that’s when the man said, “Good morning. I’m your new Head Teacher.”

  And then there was a really loud clap of thunder outside. And everyone started screaming.

  The assembly had to be cancelled because of all the screaming, and because most of 1B were crying, and because one of them must have had an “accident” because the caretaker had to come with his mop and bucket.

  When we got back to class, nobody could concentrate on anything Miss Jones was saying because of the thunder, and the lightning, and also because of the scary new Head Teacher.

  Miss Jones had to keep telling us to settle down, and to stop screaming every time the thunder went, or the lightning flashed, but we couldn’t, and Jodi kept saying over and over again about how weird all of this was, and she was right. I mean, we already HAD a Head Teacher; Mr Murphy was our Head Teacher. It didn’t make any sense.

  Then Zach whispered, “Where’s Mr Murphy gone?” So I said that I was going to ask Miss Jones what was going on right away, because Miss Jones would definitely know because she is actually getting MARRIED to Mr Murphy (which is a bit disgusting) and last term he gave her an engagement ring and everything.

  So Jodi said that she would come up to the front with me, but before we could even stand up, Gary Petrie put his hand up and said, “Miss, where’s Mr Murphy?”

  Everyone went silent and stared at Miss Jones to see what she would say. But then Miss Jones’s face went a bit weird, and she said, “We have a new Head Teacher now, and that is that.” And she said it with a
bit of a shaky voice, so none of us asked any more questions because we could all see that Miss Jones looked weird in the face.

  Then Zach said, “Something’s wrong. Miss Jones looks upset.” And we all knew that he was right.

  Then Jodi said, “I don’t like this new Head Teacher one bit. I mean, where did he even come from? And where IS Mr Murphy?”

  And I was just thinking about how weird everything was getting because of having to move classroom, and all the rats, and the new scary Head Teacher and Mr Murphy disappearing, when there was a loud knock on the classroom door and Maisie did a yelpy noise.

  We all went really quiet because we were SURE it was going to be the new Head Teacher. But it wasn’t. It was one of the office ladies. And she had a note.

  We all watched while Miss Jones read it. Then she asked us to all sit up straight and listen very closely, so we did. And I looked at Maisie and saw that her face had gone a bit blue so I nudged her and she started breathing again, because sometimes you have to do that when Maisie gets scared and forgets to breathe.

  And then Jodi whispered, “I really don’t want to go to another assembly.” And I DEFINITELY didn’t want to go to one either. But it wasn’t another assembly. It was worse.

  Miss Jones said that the new Head Teacher wanted to see us all in his office! And that we had to go in twos, and that he wanted to meet us and get to know us all!

  And then Miss Jones said, “Izzy and Zach, you can go first. Off you go.”