Icarus Was Ridiculous Read online

  One time, our class was in a HOTEL having our BREAKFAST because we were on a SCHOOL TRIP.

  And our teacher, Miss Jones, looked

  and she kept counting everyone’s HEADS and looking at her WATCH and asking everyone OVER and OVER if they needed to go to the toilet.

  So me and Jodi and Maisie all went to the toilet and when we came back Zach was still sitting there and he’d got ANOTHER cup of tea because it was a HELP YOURSELF BUFFET.

  That’s when Miss Jones came over and looked at all the TEA CUPS and asked if he needed to go to the toilet and Zach said no. But Miss Jones said that he should GO ANYWAY and that he should go NOW and that we were leaving in EXACTLY SIX MINUTES. So Zach said that he would but then as soon as Miss Jones left he just started drinking his tea again.

  I asked Zach if he was going to go to the toilet like Miss Jones said he should and he said he wasn’t and that he was going to get another cup of tea instead.

  So that’s when I said that he was being JUST like ICARUS and that ICARUS never listened to anyone EITHER.

  But Zach just stared at me and said, “Who’s Icabus?”

  So I said that Icabus wasn’t anybody but that ICARUS was a boy from ANCIENT GREECE who went to visit CRETE with his dad and never came home because of KING MINOS and all the PIGEON FEATHERS and NOT LISTENING TO PEOPLE.

  But Zach said that he still didn’t know who I was talking about. So that’s when I explained that King Minos of Crete was really HORRIBLE and that when he was just a prince he liked to do things like catch FLIES in bottles and throw MUD PIES in people’s windows and cut people’s HAIR without asking. And no one ever stood up to him because they were too scared that he’d shave off their EYEBROWS when they were sleeping because that’s what he did to his teacher when he wasn’t allowed to write on the board.

  Then when Minos became KING he said that he wanted a TOWER built next to his house and that he was going to use it as a PRISON because he thought it would be fun to have some prisoners in a tower because that’s just the type of person he was.

  As soon as the tower was finished, King Minos was DESPERATE to get his prisoners so he STORMED around the palace looking for someone to do something that ANNOYED him so that he could shout, “RIGHT. That annoyed me so YOU are going to be my first PRISONER!”

  But EVERYONE who worked in the palace was on their BEST BEHAVIOUR because they could just TELL that Minos FACE and the way WALKING and also because he “I’M THE BOSS” T-shirt was looking for trouble by his he was was wearing his over his toga which is what he ALWAYS did when he was looking for a fight.

  So all of his servants and gardeners and hairdressers tried to stay out of his way and do their best work

  But then Minos started STARING at everyone and stressing them out and that’s when the gardener accidentally cut off one of his FINGERS. And he didn’t scream or faint or ANYTHING. He just kept smiling because he didn’t want King Minos to get annoyed at him for dripping blood on his daffodils.

  But then someone SNEEZED and King Minos WHIPPED his head around, really fast, and shouted, “WHO WAS THAT?!”

  Everyone FROZE and didn’t say anything and it sort of looked like they were playing MUSICAL STATUES except that people who are playing musical statues don’t usually have tears rolling down their faces.

  And then someone sneezed AGAIN and King Minos saw that it was his COOK. So that’s when Minos said that the first sneeze had annoyed him but that the SECOND SNEEZE had made him FURIOUS and that the cook was now his prisoner

  And Minos was actually really pleased that it had been his cook who did the sneezing because his chips-and-cheese hadn’t been CHEESY enough recently.

  Then, King Minos pointed to one of his guards and told him to bring him a man called DANDELION because he’d heard that he was the best INVENTOR in all of ANCIENT GREECE.

  But the guard just STARED at Minos because he’d never HEARD of a man called

  DANDELION before and he wasn’t even sure that that was a NAME.

  And that’s when one of the other guards cleared his throat and said, “Do you mean DAEDALUS, Your Royal Majesty, Highest King of All the World and Universe for Ever and Ever?” (That was what Minos liked to be called.) And King Minos said yes and that he didn’t CARE what the man was called and that he just wanted to see him

  So the guards went and got Daedalus and they had to go quite far actually because Daedalus didn’t even live in Crete like they did. He lived in a place called ATHENS.

  But when Daedalus finally arrived, King Minos said, “Who’s THAT?” because Daedalus had brought his son ICARUS with him and that REALLY ANNOYED King Minos because he knew he was going to have to let them use his BUNK BEDS and that was where he liked to keep all his HEADLESS TEDDIES.

  Daedalus gave Icarus a NUDGE because he was looking down at his sandals and not speaking to anyone because he was a TEENAGER.

  So Icarus did a really long SIGH and then he lifted up his head and looked at King Minos and said, “Hey.”

  But King Minos didn’t say “Hey” back. He just kept on brushing his hair.

  And then he said, “Listen, Dandelion.”

  So Daedalus looked at the guards to see if he should correct the king about his name but they just shook their heads really fast so he didn’t say anything.

  Then Minos said, “I need you to make me a MAZE to make sure my prisoners can’t escape from my PRISON and it better be a GOOD ONE or I’ll shave off your eyebrows and

  And Daedalus gasped because he’d heard the story about Minos shaving off his teacher’s eyebrows but he didn’t realise that he’d actually

  Minos said that he wanted Daedalus to design him an UNDERGROUND MAZE to go under his HUGE TOWER.

  That’s when Icarus flicked the hair out of his eyes and said, “What for?”

  And King Minos got a WICKED LOOK in his eye and he said, “It’s a PRISON. Just a NORMAL prison for my NORMAL prisoners.”

  But then he laughed a bit and Icarus looked up at his dad because it was obvious that it WASN’T a normal prison and that King Minos was HIDING SOMETHING.

  Then Minos said that it was time for his tea so Daedalus and Icarus went to leave but Minos said, “No. Stay.”

  So Daedalus and Icarus sat down at the table with King Minos and put napkins on their laps because they thought they were about to get something to eat. But they didn’t. So they just had to sit and watch Minos eat his soup.

  And then when someone brought Minos his second course and he saw that his beans were TOUCHING his chicken goujons he went

  And that’s when Icarus whispered to his dad that he’d better get the maze right and Daedalus nodded loads.

  Then that night before they went to sleep, King Minos came in and took their PILLOWS because he said that he needed them ALL. And then he counted every single one of his HEADLESS TEDDIES and gave them all a kiss goodnight and said that if either of them even LOOKED at his teddies there would be CONSEQUENCES.

  But Icarus couldn’t sleep because he said that he NEEDED a pillow and that it felt HORRIBLE without one and that he wanted to use the HEADLESS TEDDIES to make one. But Daedalus said NO and that King Minos would probably shave the eyebrows off BOTH of them if he found out.

  So Icarus shouted, “FINE!” And then he just waited until his dad fell asleep and did it anyway.

  The next day, Daedalus got to work designing the maze. And he was DETERMINED to make it the most difficult maze in the whole of ANCIENT GREECE. So he made sure there were hundreds of CORRIDORS and DEAD ENDS and he even designed a QUADRUPLE LOCK for the room at the very top of the TOWER.

  But then when it was the

  of the new prison, Daedalus found out that King Minos had put a MINOTAUR inside the maze. And th
at’s when he said that he didn’t want anything to do with the maze any more because he knew that MINOTAURS were MONSTERS that looked like HUMAN BULLS and that they ate HUMAN FLESH and he thought that that was going a bit too far.

  So Daedalus told Icarus it was time to go and pack his suitcase and that they were going back to Athens. But Icarus just IGNORED him because he was having a

  at the grand opening because there was CANDY FLOSS and a BAND and a giant piñata shaped like a MINOTAUR.

  So Daedalus had to pack BOTH of their suitcases. And then he had to stand and wait until the band finished playing their very last song before Icarus would leave.

  But then when they went to see King Minos to say goodbye and get Daedalus’s money, King Minos said that he wasn’t going to pay him and also that he wasn’t going to let him LEAVE, either, because he wanted Daedalus to make him loads of other stuff. Like a hairbrush with bristles on BOTH SIDES and slippers with WHEELS on them so he could have comfy feet while he skated around the palace. And a really long stick with a FAKE FINGER on the end that he could use to POKE his servants when they didn’t bring his KEBABS fast enough.

  But then, Theseus, one of King Minos’s prisoners, killed the Minotaur and ESCAPED. And that’s when the king said that it must have been DAEDALUS who helped him escape because HE was the only one who knew how the maze WORKED.

  And it WAS Daedalus who had helped him because he thought having a MINOTAUR in there was UNFAIR so he gave Theseus’s girlfriend, Ariadne, a ball of string for Theseus and Theseus used it to help him escape the maze. So Daedalus just looked down at his sandals and didn’t say anything.

  That’s when King Minos said that he was FURIOUS because the prison was practically EMPTY and that because of Daedalus he didn’t even have a proper number of PRISONERS for it any more.

  But then all of a sudden King Minos started brushing his hair REALLY SLOWLY. And then he said, “Or DO I??”

  And then he said that he was going to lock DAEDALUS in the tower and that he was going to be his newest PRISONER FOR LIFE.

  But then Icarus said, “That’s not FAIR!” because that was Icarus’s favourite thing to say and also because he didn’t know who was going to give him his POCKET MONEY if his dad wasn’t around.

  But Minos said that it WAS fair, actually, because he needed a new prisoner for his prison and it was his dad’s fault that THESEUS had escaped.

  So then Icarus ROLLED HIS EYES and everyone

  because they all knew that Minos HATED people rolling their eyes because he had a FEAR OF EYEBALLS and he hated seeing them roll about in people’s EYE SOCKETS like that.

  So that’s when Minos yelled, “NOW I HAVE TWO NEW PRISONERS!”

  And then he did a REALLY LOUD LAUGH while his guards took Daedalus and Icarus away and even when they were all the way at the top of the tower they could STILL hear Minos laughing below. That’s how evil he was.

  So Daedalus and Icarus were trapped in the tower and they didn’t even have any games or books so they just had to take turns playing with a bit of wallpaper that had fallen off the wall.

  But then one day Daedalus’s eyes went WIDE and he said, “I’ve got a

  I’m going to get us out of here!”

  And then he ran over to the window and began COOING at the pigeons.

  That’s when Icarus started worrying that being trapped in the tower was making his dad go a bit WEIRD (especially when a pigeon landed on the window ledge and Daedalus started SPEAKING to it and asking it for one of its FEATHERS).

  So Icarus went over and patted his dad’s back and said that he could have TWO TURNS at playing with the piece of wallpaper if he wanted because he felt sorry for him.

  But then the pigeon flew away and left a FEATHER behind and Daedalus GASPED and held it up to Icarus’s face and said, “LOOK! This is my PLAN!”

  And Icarus said that if his dad’s plan was to TICKLE the guards to make them open the door, he wasn’t going to be the one doing the tickling.

  But Daedalus said they weren’t going to be tickling ANYONE. Except maybe THEMSELVES by mistake when they were FLYING with the WINGS he was going to make for them!

  And that’s when Icarus GASPED and Daedalus gasped TOO because even though it was his plan he was still a bit SHOCKED at how good it was.

  So every day when the guards brought them their lunch, Daedalus said that they should only eat HALF of it and leave the OTHER HALF on the window ledge so that loads of PIGEONS and SEAGULLS would come and leave their FEATHERS behind.

  But Icarus didn’t listen. And every single day he ate his WHOLE LUNCH and he didn’t even leave a TINY CRUMB for the birds because he said that he was STARVING and also that MINI KEBABS were his FAVOURITE.

  So it took AGES to get all the feathers that Daedalus needed to make the WINGS and at one point Daedalus told Icarus that if he didn’t start sharing his lunch with the birds he would just make ONE pair of wings. And then he gave Icarus a bit of a

  and Icarus GROANED and threw a tiny bit of kebab on to the window ledge and said, “Happy now?”

  But Daedalus WASN’T happy now because he still needed LOADS of feathers and he knew that it was going to take YEARS if Icarus wasn’t going to help.

  So that was when he said that if Icarus started sharing his lunch then when they got back to Athens he’d let him have a HOUSE PARTY.

  And Icarus’s eyes went WIDE and he said, “With pizza?”

  And Daedalus said, “Yes.”

  And Icarus said, “And mini kebabs?”

  And Daedalus said, “Yes.”

  And then Icarus said, “And you’ll stay in your bedroom all night and not come out once, even if you need the toilet?”

  And Daedalus sighed because it was really hard having a teenager sometimes, especially one like Icarus who wouldn’t even give you a bit of his kebab so you could help save his life or let you go to the toilet in your own house.

  But Daedalus said yes anyway because he really wanted to get out of the tower.

  After a

  Daedalus FINALLY had enough feathers so he waited until Icarus and all the guards were asleep and then he stayed up all night making the wings.

  Then Daedalus put on his wings and flapped them in Icarus’s face to wake him up. And Icarus was FURIOUS when he woke up but then he saw that his dad had a HUGE grin on his face and also that he was WEARING WINGS.

  Icarus leapt out of bed and put his wings on and said he wanted to leave RIGHT AWAY. But Daedalus said that he needed to WAIT and LISTEN TO HIM CLOSELY about the wings and how he had used WAX to stick them together and how that meant they couldn’t fly too close to the SUN or the wax would MELT.

  And Icarus nodded loads and said, “Uh huh. Uh huh. Let’s go!” and then he JUMPED out of the window.

  And that just shows you how RIDICULOUS Icarus was because his dad hadn’t even told him how to USE the wings yet!

  So Daedalus had to jump out after him and yell, “FLAP YOUR WINGS, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE!”

  Daedalus was SURE Icarus was going to land HEAD FIRST on the ground when suddenly a big GUST OF WIND caught Icarus’s wings and lifted him up into the air.

  That’s when Icarus began flapping his wings and flying all over the place. And Daedalus had to shout at him that they were supposed to be ESCAPING but he only listened when one of the guards spotted them and shouted, “GET ME MY SLINGSHOT!”

  So that’s when Daedalus and Icarus flew away from the palace and away from CRETE and out over the AEGEAN SEA.

  But then Icarus started flying a bit HIGH even though his dad had SPECIFICALLY told him not to.

  So Daedalus shouted, “Icarus! WHAT did I tell you?!”

  And if Icarus was EVER going to listen to his dad then THAT would have been a good time to start. But he didn’t. Because he’d spotted a GIRL with LONG HAIR swimming in the water and he wanted to IMPRESS her. (Even though it obviously WASN’T a girl and it was just a bit of seaweed on a rock.) But Icarus didn’t know that. And that’s probably because h
e never listened to his dad OR his teachers OR his archery instructor about getting his

  And then he started to fly HIGHER and HIGHER and Daedalus shouted, “ICARUS! STOP!”

  But Icarus didn’t listen. He just kept flying higher until his ARMS started to feel a bit WET. And at first Icarus thought it was SWEAT so he tried to wipe it off because he didn’t want to get sweat on his toga in front of the girl with the long hair.

  But then Icarus GASPED because he realised that it WASN’T sweat and that it was WAX and also that his WINGS WERE MELTING.

  And THAT’S when he remembered what his dad had said about not flying too close to the SUN. But it was too late by then.

  And as Icarus fell from the sky he got closer and closer to the SEAWEED ROCK and even though he was FALLING TO HIS DEATH he still shouted, “HEY,” at the rock before he hit the water because he wanted to look cool and also because that’s how bad his eyesight was.

  So that’s when I looked at Zach and Zach looked really shocked by the sad ending and I said, “So … do you want to listen to Miss Jones now?”

  And Zach said that he did. And also that he thought he might need glasses. And Maisie said that he should get his eyes tested RIGHT AWAY so that he didn’t FALL TO HIS DEATH in the playground and Zach nodded loads.

  So that’s when he put up his hand and told Miss Jones that he needed to go to the toilet and Miss Jones shut her eyes and took a really deep breath through her nose for ages. And then when she was finished with her breath she opened her eyes and said, “Go. Quickly.”

  So Zach ran off to the toilet and Miss Jones looked at her watch and ROLLED HER EYES and Maisie gasped and said, “Miss! You shouldn’t roll your eyes. Some people might feed you to a MINOTAUR for doing that!”