Icarus Was Ridiculous Read online

  Miss Jones looked a bit confused so she must not have known the MYTH. Then when Zack got back she made us walk for AGES until we eventually turned a corner and she yelled, “We’re here! We made it!”

  And we all looked up and

  because we were in front of a HUGE BUILDING and it had STONE PILLARS and LOADS of BIG STEPS and

  That’s when Jodi nudged me and said that it looked a bit like Ancient Greece and I nodded loads because it DID.

  And then all of a sudden a TOUR GUIDE appeared and she said, “Welcome to the BRITISH MUSEUM!”

  And before she could even say one more word we asked her if there was a bit about ANCIENT GREECE in the museum and she said that there WAS so we said that we needed her to take us there first and that made her laugh even though we weren’t joking.

  But then Maisie asked if there would be any MINOTAURS inside and the tour guide said, “Well, you’ll just have to wait and find out, won’t you?”

  And we all GASPED.

  One time when we were at Jodi’s house she wouldn’t stop taking PHOTOS of herself with her mum’s phone even though we were supposed to be playing MONOPOLY and it was her turn.

  So that’s when me and Jodi got into a bit of an argument because I said that it was RUDE of her to sit and take photos of herself ESPECIALLY when it had been her turn for AGES. But Jodi said that it WASN’T rude so I said that it DEFINITELY WAS and also that she obviously

  Then Jodi said that she DIDN’T love herself ACTUALLY and that she hadn’t even taken that many SELFIES. So that’s when I took the phone out of her hand and looked at it and I GASPED because she had taken HUNDREDS OF SELFIES.

  And Jodi’s face went RED and she said that maybe she HAD got a bit carried away with the photos and that she wouldn’t take any more. And then she asked for the phone back but I said no because I knew that she was just going to take more and that I didn’t want her to end up like NARCISSUS.

  Jodi got a really confused look on her face when I said that and it was obvious that she didn’t know who NARCISSUS was and that I was the only one who knew loads of stuff about MYTHS.

  So that’s when I explained that in ANCIENT TIMES there used to be all these GODDESSES called NYMPHS who lived in the WOODS and that they were always running around with the DEER and swimming in the LAKES and playing TAG on the mountains.

  And usually they all had a great time unless ECHO came along because she was LOUD and a bit ANNOYING and she talked NON-STOP.

  Then one day, one of the GREEK GODS called HERA was trying to get a deer to eat an apple out of her hand when Echo appeared and yelled, “HIYA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I HURT MY ELBOW. LOOK. IT’S GONE ALL RED. WHAT’S THAT YOU’VE GOT? IS THAT AN APPLE? WHERE DID YOU GET IT? CAN I HAVE A BIT?”

  And the deer ran away.

  Hera was RAGING because it had taken her AGES to get the deer to come over to her and feeding a deer an apple from her hand was one of the things she had always wanted to do in life and it was even on her

  So that’s when Hera said, “I’ve had ENOUGH of you talking all the time! You are so ANNOYING!”

  And Echo said, “No I’m not. YOU ARE!”

  And Hera said, “You always have to have the last word, don’t you?”

  And Echo said, “No, I don’t.”

  So Hera pointed her finger at Echo and said, “Maybe THIS will teach you!” And she used her GODDESS POWERS to put a curse on Echo.

  Then Hera said, “My name is Echo and I am

  And Echo said, “I am

  because the CURSE meant that Echo could only say the last thing someone ELSE had just said.

  Hera burst out laughing and said, “I eat MUD for my breakfast, I eat MUD for my lunch and I eat MUD for my dinner!”

  And Echo said, “I eat MUD for my dinner.”

  And Hera burst out laughing AGAIN and said that she was going to tell all the other nymphs about THE MUD and also that Echo was a COPYCAT now.

  Echo was FURIOUS with Hera for cursing her and she wanted to tell her to

  but she couldn’t because of the curse.

  So Echo went right up to Hera and LICKED HER FACE because she knew that would annoy her because NO ONE likes getting their face licked like that.

  Then Hera yelled, “YUCK!

  And Echo smiled and said,

  and then she ran away before Hera could say anything else.

  Echo didn’t stop running until she bumped RIGHT into a boy who was out walking his pet ferret. And when she looked up at his face she GASPED because he was PROPER GORGEOUS.

  Echo knew RIGHT AWAY that this must be NARCISSUS because he was famous in ANCIENT GREECE for being DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS and all the other nymphs were always talking about him and putting up POSTERS of him in their bedrooms and asking him for his AUTOGRAPH, even though he always just said, “No. I’m too busy being BEAUTIFUL.”

  Echo opened her mouth because she wanted to say hi and tell him that her name was Echo and that she liked his bracelets and ask him where he got them and tell him about her sore elbow and ask if he wanted to go swimming.

  But when she opened her mouth nothing came out because of the CURSE.

  So that’s when Narcissus gave her a bit of a WEIRD LOOK and just tried to keep on walking his pet ferret and pretend he hadn’t seen her. And it was probably because Echo was just standing there, opening and shutting her mouth like a fish.

  Then all of a sudden Echo started clapping her hands (because she didn’t know what else to do and she didn’t want the most gorgeous boy she’d ever seen in her life to walk off).

  And that’s when Narcissus sighed and said, “Look, I’m sort of a BIG DEAL, and I have places to BE. But, are you OK? You look a bit weird.”

  And Echo said, “You look a bit weird.”

  And Narcissus GASPED because NO ONE had EVER said to him that he looked a bit weird before and they had only ever said that he was

  And even though he didn’t actually have a mirror at home, he kept a little bit of paper in his pocket with the names of everyone who had told him he was

  and it had over NINETY NAMES on it now so he knew that he definitely WAS.

  So that’s when Narcissus said, “I’m going away now. My ferret doesn’t like you.”

  And Echo said, “My ferret doesn’t like you.”

  And then all of a sudden Narcissus smiled and said, “Oh! I didn’t realise you were out walking your ferret too. I love ferrets!”

  And Echo said, “I love ferrets.”

  And she smiled because she DID love ferrets, actually. Especially the one Narcissus had because it was wearing a mini toga that he had obviously made for it.

  Narcissus looked around for ages.

  And then he said, “I can’t see him. Where’s your ferret?”

  And Echo sighed because she knew that this was about to get COMPLICATED. And she said, “Where’s your ferret?”

  That’s when Narcissus gave Echo a weird look again and pointed down at his pet ferret and said, “My ferret is right there!”

  And Echo said, “My ferret is right there!”

  Then Narcissus started to get a bit worried because there DEFINITELY weren’t any other ferrets about, just his, which was called Baby Zeus.

  So he said, “Wait. Do you think this is YOUR ferret?”

  And Echo said, “Do you think this is YOUR ferret?”

  and said that he DID think that actually, because Baby Zeus WAS his ferret and he’d had him for YEARS.

  But then Echo said that SHE’D had him for years and that’s when Narcissus broke down and started CRYING and said that he’d been LYING about having the ferret for years and that he’d actually only just found him the day before.

  And before Echo could repeat what he’d said, Narcissus dropped the ferret’s lead and ran off because he didn’t want her to phone the POLICE about him trying to steal her pet.

  And that’s when Echo started crying, too. Because she had fallen in LOVE with Narcissus and now he was gone and all she had was a ferret wea
ring a toga.

  So Echo picked up Baby Zeus and went looking for Narcissus. But she couldn’t find him anywhere. And that’s when she SWORE to the ferret that she would NEVER STOP looking for Narcissus until she found him.

  Narcissus ran and hid behind a tree because he was worried that the police were coming to arrest him for being a FERRET STEALER. But then he noticed that he had a bit of MUD on his sandals and he GASPED and forgot all about the police because the sandals were BRAND NEW and he’d wanted them for AGES and they even had these fancy TWIRLY BITS at the back.

  So Narcissus went searching for somewhere to wash his sandals and that’s when he found a POND surrounded by trees.

  Narcissus took his sandals off and bent over to wash them in the pond. And THAT’S when he GASPED because the pond was so STILL that he could see his OWN REFLECTION in it. And it was the first time that he had ever seen what he looked like and he was so shocked that he shouted, “WOW!

  And that’s when everything got a bit WEIRD because Narcissus thought he was SO gorgeous that he actually began to FANCY HIMSELF a bit.

  Narcissus sat there for AGES, looking into the pond and winking at his own reflection and smiling when his reflection winked back. And he forgot all about his muddy sandals and Baby Zeus and he even forgot to go home for his tea.

  Then when it got dark and it was time for his bed, Narcissus STILL didn’t go home.

  He just stayed there, staring at his reflection in the moonlight, because by that point he had

  Narcissus didn’t go home for his tea the next day OR the day after that even though his mum was making chips, cheese and doner kebab, which was his favourite, because he couldn’t BEAR not to look at his own reflection for ONE SECOND. So he just stayed in the woods.

  And eventually, Narcissus stayed there for so long that he died of hunger and thirst and SUNBURN (because it gets really hot in Greece in July and togas don’t have sleeves). And when he died he turned into a long, white flower that leaned over the water so that even when he was dead and had become a flower he could STILL look at his own reflection.

  And the whole time Narcissus was sitting there staring at himself in the pond, Echo was wandering around with Baby Zeus looking for him, but she never found him. And it was probably because she was always getting distracted because Baby Zeus’s toga belt kept coming undone and she kept having to stop and tie it again.

  And even though no one ever saw Echo, or the ferret, ever again, people say that when they are up in the mountains or in the woods or in a cave and they shout something, they can hear Echo repeating their last words. And some people even say they’ve spotted a GHOST FERRET.

  And that’s when Zach GASPED and said, “Is that why an echo is called an ECHO?!”

  And I nodded because it was.

  And that’s when Jodi realised how SERIOUS everything was and she SWORE on ALL THE GREEK GODS that she would never ever take even ONE selfie ever again EVER.

  And we all said that that was for the best because no one wanted her to die of sunburn.

  Then all of a sudden Maisie grabbed Jodi’s phone out of my hand and said that she was going to delete EVERY SINGLE PHOTO Jodi had taken so that Jodi couldn’t look at them and fall in love with herself.

  But then Jodi said, “WAIT! Can I just keep the good ones?”

  And I sighed and shook my head because I knew that I was going to have to tell her the whole Narcissus story

  Last week Jodi fell out with Gary Petrie because he took her pencil case out of her drawer in the classroom without even ASKING because that’s just what he’s like. And he used all of Jodi’s GOOD PENS and he didn’t even put the lids back on. And when Jodi saw what Gary Petrie had done, she went

  Miss Riley said that Jodi needed to CALM DOWN and that the lids had only been off for FIVE MINUTES and that the pens would probably be FINE. But that’s when Jodi got REALLY ANGRY and she shouted that fine wasn’t good enough because they had been “PERFECT” before. And then she got sent to the head teacher because we are not allowed to shout at Miss Riley even when we’re upset about our pens being

  Then the next day, Gary Petrie turned up with a GIFT in a BOX for Jodi and he said that he’d made it HIMSELF and that he had done it to say sorry for the PEN THING.

  Jodi reached out to take the gift but I shouted,” STOP. It might be a

  and I pulled her arm back before she could touch the box and that’s when everyone STARED at me.

  So I asked Jodi if she’d ever read the GREEK MYTH about the TROJAN HORSE and she said no. And then all of a sudden there were TWO LOUD GASPS and I turned and saw that our other friends, Zach and Maisie, were STARING at the box in Gary Petrie’s hand. And Zach’s eyes were SO WIDE they looked like they were going to POP out of his HEAD. And that’s when I realised that they DEFINITELY knew about the TROJAN HORSE and how DANGEROUS it was to accept a GIFT from your ENEMY, especially a gift that they had made with their OWN HANDS.

  So I did a bit of a FAKE SMILE at Gary Petrie and said, “COULD YOU GIVE US A MINUTE, PLEASE?” because that’s what my mum says to people when she needs them to go away so that she can have a WORD with me and sometimes with Dad.

  And that’s when I started telling Jodi that, ages and ages ago, in Ancient Greece, there was this woman called Helen.

  Some people think she was born from an egg (which is a bit weird) and her dad was actually a GREEK GOD called ZEUS, which meant that she was really popular at school because her dad was famous, but it was also really annoying for her because sometimes he would shout things at her from the clouds like, “I can SEE what you’re DOING, Helen!” and “Me and your mum already told you, you’re only allowed ONE sweet at breaktime!” and “WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS!”

  So anyway, when Helen grew up she married this man called KING MENELAUS OF SPARTA (but everyone just called him Menelaus and sometimes M-Dog because it took too long to say the whole thing all the time).

  Helen was really pretty and she was good at loads of stuff like PAINTING and SINGING and YODELLING and King Menelaus thought she was the

  But then he got a bit WEIRD and CLINGY and he kept telling Helen that he wanted her to stand RIGHT NEXT TO HIM all the time and that really got on her NERVES because she wanted to stand wherever she LIKED and she didn’t need him telling her where she could STAND.

  Then one day, Paris, a young prince from a place called TROY, visited the palace. He’d heard their CARPETS were the FLUFFIEST carpets EVER and he wanted to feel them for himself before he asked his mum and dad for one for his bedroom. He was also visiting because of something that happened at a wedding he went to.

  At the wedding, instead of throwing a bouquet of FLOWERS like normal people do, someone had thrown a GOLDEN APPLE with the words “FOR THE MOST GORGEOUS” on it. And ALL the gods started fighting over it because they wanted to be the MOST GORGEOUS.

  ZEUS almost got it until APHRODITE put him in a HEADLOCK and grabbed it off him. And that’s when things got OUT OF HAND because HERA started screaming that the apple was OBVIOUSLY HERS and then ATHENA said that if SOMEONE didn’t put the golden apple in her hand RIGHT NOW she was going to start an ACTUAL WAR.

  So eventually someone said that PARIS should decide who deserved the GOLDEN APPLE and Hera said that if he picked her then she would make him the most powerful man on EARTH. And Athena said that if he picked HER then she would make sure that he won any FIGHTS that he got into. But Paris said that what they were doing was WRONG because fighting over who was MOST GORGEOUS was SILLY and that he wasn’t going to judge them on their LOOKS.

  But then Aphrodite said that if he picked HER, she would make sure that the MOST GORGEOUS woman in the world fell in love with him, and that woman was Helen of Sparta. And that’s when Paris changed his mind and picked Aphrodite.

  When Helen first saw Paris, he had his back to her because he was doing up his sandal. She thought he was a GIRL because he was called PARIS and because he was wearing the same hairband as her. But when he stood up she s
aw that he was a man and also that he was STARING at her and smiling LOADS.

  But Helen didn’t mind Paris staring and smiling at her. And she was actually staring at HIM a bit too, because he had a really nice PERM in his hair, which his dad had done for him.

  Helen and Paris went for a walk together because Paris had forgotten to bring a bobble for his hair and Helen said that she had loads of spare ones and he said that he’d go with her to get it. And Helen even took Paris the LONG WAY because she wanted to spend more time speaking to him and that’s when they found out that they had LOADS in common because they both collected BELTS and SHOES and they even used the same HAIR CONDITIONER.

  Then Paris said that he had to go home because his mum was making his tea but that she could come too if she wanted and that she could live with him in his parents’ palace in Troy. Helen really liked Paris because he was NICE and KIND and he didn’t tell her where to stand all the time. And then Paris said that he

  and also that she could have his BELT COLLECTION and her own TRIPLE WARDROBE for all her TUNICS and that his dad, King Priam, would even give her a PERM if she wanted.