To Wee or Not to Wee Read online

  One time when we were playing Monopoly at Maisie’s house we couldn’t even get started because Zach COULD NOT decide if he wanted to be the hat or the car. And he kept saying stuff like, “But I like both. What should I do?” and “What if I pick the car and then I lose?” and “What if Jodi gets the car and she wins?”

  Then Maisie’s mum came in and asked us if we would like pepperoni on our pizza and I said yes and so did Maisie and Jodi but Zach said that he wasn’t sure. And then he put his head in his hands because he couldn’t decide about the car OR the hat OR the pepperoni and it was

  So that’s when I told Zach that he was being EXACTLY like HAMLET out of the Shakespeare play. And Zach said that he WASN’T and Maisie’s mum burst out laughing and said that he was, actually. Then Zach said that he

  So I asked Zach if he knew who Hamlet was and he said he didn’t.

  So that’s when I told Zach that Hamlet was the Prince of Denmark who had been at university for about twenty years because he couldn’t decide what to be when he grew up so just kept going back to college and doing LOADS of stuff like history and biology and hairdressing.

  But one day when Hamlet came home to get his mum to do his washing for him he found out that his dad, the King of Denmark, had died. And then his mum told him that she was going on a date with his Uncle Claudius and that there was some left-over lasagne in the fridge.

  Hamlet was FURIOUS because his mum didn’t even seem BOTHERED that his dad had died and also because she was going on a date with HIS UNCLE (which was TOTALLY WEIRD even though she was pretending that it wasn’t).

  Hamlet’s mum and his Uncle Claudius got back from their date JUST in time for the king’s funeral and as SOON as the funeral finished Claudius went down on one knee and PROPOSED to Hamlet’s mum! Then he told all the funeral guests to just stay sitting down because they were about to get MARRIED and he was going to be the KING OF DENMARK!

  Hamlet was totally SHOCKED because his uncle was about to become his STEPDAD and also because HE was supposed to become King of Denmark. And he probably should have grabbed the minister’s microphone and shouted, “Mum! You CAN’T marry Dad’s BROTHER! That’s disgusting!” and also “I’M THE KING NOW!”

  But Hamlet didn’t shout any of those things. He just sat there trying to decide what to do to stop the wedding until the minister said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” and it was too late.

  After the Funeral-Wedding Hamlet went up to the castle roof and moaned for HOURS to his best friend, Horatio (who was very good at listening, which was a good thing because Hamlet talked a LOT).

  Hamlet kept asking Horatio LOADS of questions like “What do you think I should do about the King thing?” and “Should I get the castle locks changed so Claudius can’t move in?” and “Should I become a hairdresser?”

  But Horatio never got a chance to answer ANY of the questions because as SOON as Hamlet asked a question he ALWAYS asked ANOTHER one right away (which was very annoying).

  But then all of a sudden a ghostly voice said, “You’ve been eating MY lasagne! I can smell it on your breath.”

  And Hamlet

  because he KNEW it was his Ghost Dad before he even turned around because lasagne was his dad’s most favourite thing.

  Once the ghost stopped going on about never being able to eat lasagne EVER again, he said, “Hamlet, I am here to tell you that I was MURDERED by my own BROTHER!”

  And then the ghost told Hamlet that Claudius had crept up on him when he was sleeping in the garden and poured POISON in his EAR! And that his ear was still a bit sore and itchy even though he was dead.

  And then he said, “I need you to do two VERY IMPORTANT things for me. And you must do them because I am your Ghost Dad.”

  That’s when he told Hamlet that he must AVENGE his death (which meant he wanted him to kill his uncle) and also that he was to bring him some lasagne so he could smell it and try to lick the air. And then he disappeared.

  “What are you going to do?” said Horatio.

  But Hamlet said that he didn’t know and that he needed a drink of juice first.

  Then when he’d had his juice Horatio said, “What are you going to DO, Hamlet?” But Hamlet said that he wasn’t sure and that he needed to finish his jigsaw first (even though he probably shouldn’t have started a jigsaw when he was in the middle of trying to decide if he was going avenge his Ghost Dad’s death).

  So Horatio waited until Hamlet finished his jigsaw and then asked him AGAIN. But Hamlet spotted a pigeon and said he needed to draw a picture of it first before he decided what to do. So Horatio just stopped asking him because he was OBVIOUSLY avoiding the question and had NO IDEA what he was going to do because he was a bit of a nightmare like that.

  Hamlet could NEVER make his mind up about ANYTHING. And one time he actually went to school in just his pants and got sent home because he couldn’t decide what to wear.

  Hamlet said he needed to be sure the ghost was telling the truth before he did the avenging and that he was going to

  on his uncle to see if he was acting all GUILTY and SUSPICIOUS like a Brother Murderer would.

  So Hamlet decided to PRETEND he was in a terrible mood and be MEAN to EVERYONE, even his girlfriend Ophelia, so that they would be so shocked by his bad behaviour that they wouldn’t notice the

  Hamlet coughed on ALL the scrambled eggs at breakfast, left ALL the royal toilet seats up and made up a song about Claudius’s best friend Polonius looking like an evil guinea pig and sang it to him (even though Polonius was Ophelia’s dad so that was a bit of a bad idea).

  EVERYONE was talking about how RUDE Hamlet was now. And when anyone caught him SPYING on his uncle he would just call them the WORST name he could think of and they’d forget all about the spying.

  And when poor Ophelia asked Hamlet if he still wanted to marry her, Hamlet said that he DEFINITELY DIDN’T and that she should probably just go away and become a NUN and that made Ophelia run away crying because she

  Hamlet and also because she’d already bought her wedding dress and it was non-refundable.

  That’s when Hamlet realised that he didn’t have to pretend to be in a terrible mood any more because he really WAS in a terrible mood because he kept thinking about MURDER and AVENGING all the time and he couldn’t make up his mind about Claudius.

  But one day, Hamlet got an IDEA while he was watching the Royal Actors rehearse. Watching the actors rehearse was one of his and Horatio’s favourite things to do because the actors were TERRIBLE and always forgot their lines so it was a good laugh. And sometimes their wigs slipped down their faces while they were talking and they just had to leave them there because it was a DRESS REHEARSAL, which means you can’t stop even if your wig is covering your face and no one can hear what you’re saying.

  So anyway, Hamlet’s IDEA was to write a NEW PLAY about a man who kills a king by pouring poison in his ear while he’s sleeping and to make the actors do that one to see if Claudius would

  when he saw it.

  But the actors didn’t want to do it because there were loads of spelling mistakes in the script because Hamlet had had to write it really quickly. So Hamlet showed the actors a bag of gold and a voucher he got for his birthday for an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and the actors said they’d do it.

  Hamlet STARED at Claudius while he watched the play (which was pretty hard to do because Claudius kept making kissy sounds at Hamlet’s mum and pinching her cheeks, which made Hamlet feel violently sick).

  But then Claudius STOPPED making kissy sounds and leaned forwards in his seat as he watched one of the actors pour poison into the sleeping king’s ear.

  Claudius went as white as a SHEET and shouted,

  and then he
ran away.

  THAT’S when Hamlet knew that the ghost WAS his Ghost Dad and that it had been telling the TRUTH about the Brother Murderer.

  Everything got a bit out of hand after that. Hamlet’s mum started screaming and crying (even though she had no idea what was going on and she was just being SUPER dramatic) so Hamlet told her to go to her room and that he’d meet her there in a minute because he had to go to the toilet first.

  But Hamlet DIDN’T go to the toilet because he didn’t need to go and he’d only pretended that he needed to go because he was on his way to KILL CLAUDIUS and AVENGE his father’s death!

  Hamlet found Claudius praying with his eyes closed so he raised his dagger in the air. But then he changed his mind. He didn’t really want to kill anyone while they were saying their prayers, but he DID want to avenge his dad. And then he thought maybe he actually DID need a wee! So he ran to the bathroom but then stopped halfway and cried, “To WEE or NOT to wee? That is the question!” because he wasn’t sure.

  Hamlet talked to himself for half an hour until he’d forgotten what he was doing there. And then he went to see his mum for a cuddle because his brain was hurting.

  But Gertrude wouldn’t give him a cuddle because he tried to tell her what Claudius was REALLY like and she didn’t like hearing that so she kept covering her ears and saying,

  And when Hamlet tried to take her hands off her ears she SCREAMED THE WHOLE PALACE DOWN because she was probably the most dramatic person that had ever lived.

  Then Hamlet noticed something moving behind one of the curtains and he thought it was Claudius SPYING on them so he took his dagger and stuck it RIGHT THROUGH the curtain. But it wasn’t Claudius. It was Polonius, Claudius’s best friend and Ophelia’s dad, who had been spying. And now he was dead. But to be fair, that HAD been a pretty stupid place to stand. So it wasn’t really ALL Hamlet’s fault.

  That’s when Hamlet’s mum looked a bit sad for Hamlet and it was probably because Hamlet just couldn’t do anything right. I mean, FINALLY he made a decision and curtain-stabbed someone and it wasn’t even the RIGHT person!

  Hamlet tried to get out of it by saying that he thought he’d heard a rat, and that he’d been trying to stab that. But nobody believed him. So he left the castle for a bit.

  But then Hamlet found out that Ophelia had been so upset about her dad that she’d run away and tripped and fallen into a river and died. And he got so upset that he just began wandering around graveyards with Horatio because he was getting a bit OBSESSED with killing and dead people and worms. And it didn’t help when he saw a SKULL.

  “Whose wormy skull is that?” he asked the gravediggers.

  “That’s Yorick, your dad’s old jester from years ago when you were a baby.”

  Well, as SOON as the gravediggers said that Hamlet screamed, “I KNEW HIM, HORATIO!” and jumped RIGHT into the grave and began SPEAKING to the skull and asking it loads of questions like, “What should I do about EVERYTHING?” and just, “Why?” And then he told it he really finally did need a wee.

  But by now Hamlet was SO BAD at making ANY decisions that he couldn’t even decide whether he should get out of the wormy grave and go to the toilet or not. So he just stood there in the grave wailing at the skull and asking for its opinion.

  But then the gravediggers said that they’d had enough and that he had better NOT wee in the grave because they weren’t actually finished digging it yet. So Hamlet said sorry and got out.

  That’s when he saw his mum and Claudius. And Polonius’s son, Laertes, was there too. And when he saw Hamlet he said that he was going to BATTER him because of his dad and sister.

  Before Hamlet even had a chance to BLINK Laertes jumped on him because Laertes was not like Hamlet. Laertes just did things and didn’t really think about them first. But Laertes probably SHOULD have thought about it a bit because he jumped on Hamlet so hard that they both ended up in the grave, covered in worms, and Hamlet even weed himself a bit.

  Laertes jumped out of the grave because he didn’t want to get wee on his new trousers and then he challenged Hamlet to a SWORD FIGHT back at the castle, once Hamlet had got changed.

  Claudius LOVED the idea of the sword fight because he wanted Hamlet dead. So he told Laertes to cover his sword with POISON because he was obsessed with killing people with poison. And he even had a poisoned glass of wine ready to give to Hamlet in case the sword didn’t work.

  As soon as Hamlet had changed his trousers Claudius gave him a rubbish sword and told him good luck.

  There was a

  crowd waiting and some of them were pointing at Hamlet because he was wearing pyjama bottoms since that’s all he’d been able to find at the castle because someone (probably Claudius) had chucked out all his trousers.

  Hamlet looked up at his mum and she waved LOADS and shouted down that she loved him and that she hoped he won. But then Claudius kissed her on the lips for ages so she would stop saying nice things to Hamlet because he didn’t like it.

  Hamlet tried to tell Laertes that he hadn’t actually meant to stab his dad through a curtain, and that it had been a bit of an accident, but Laertes was too ANGRY to listen. He swung his sword and cut Hamlet’s finger. So Hamlet fought back as hard as he could with the rubbish sword. And he did so well that Laertes tripped and sliced his leg with his OWN sword.

  Gertrude got a bit excited that her son was doing so well so she picked up the glass Claudius had meant for Hamlet and said, “Cheers to my son!”

  shouted Claudius. But it was too late. Hamlet’s mum gulped down the WHOLE glass because fizzy wine was her favourite and she hadn’t had any since Christmas.

  Just then Hamlet realised that the cut on his finger was burning and that the burning was spreading up his arm and into his chest. He looked at the cut on Laertes’ leg and saw that he was in serious pain too.

  Then Laertes fell dramatically to the ground and cried, “The King is a

  Then Hamlet’s mum clutched her throat and toppled off her throne into the buffet.

  And that’s when Hamlet realised that they were ALL poisoned and that it was ALL CLAUDIUS’S FAULT!

  So that’s when Hamlet EVENTUALLY decided to avenge his Ghost Dad’s murder and he poison-stabbed Claudius!

  And then Hamlet died too.

  But then he opened his eyes and said, “Horatio. Will you tell the story of me and what happened to me for ever, even if it makes you cry?”

  And Horatio said that he would.

  And then Hamlet died again.

  But then he opened his eyes AGAIN and said, “Horatio. Do you think I would have been a good hairdresser?”

  And Horatio said that he thought he would have been, even though he didn’t really mean it because his hair was still longer on one side than it was on the other from when he’d let Hamlet cut it. But that wasn’t the right time to bring it up.

  And then Hamlet died again.

  But he kept opening his eyes and saying more things because even when he was almost dead Hamlet could NOT stop talking and saying one more thing and it went on like that for about forty-five minutes.

  Once Hamlet was DEFINITELY DEAD the Prince of Norway, who was called Fortinbras, came to be the king. And he let Horatio and loads of homeless people live in the palace too because he was a really nice person.

  And even though Horatio never saw the ghost of Hamlet or Hamlet’s dad again, he always made lasagne on a Thursday and left two bowls in the spooky bit of the castle before he went to bed.

  When I finished the story, Jodi looked at Zach and said, “Zach. Do you want to end up like Hamlet?”

  And Zach’s eyes went REALLY WIDE. And then he said that he was DEFINITELY going to be the HAT and that he DEFINITELY wanted pepperoni on his pizza. And also that he was going to decide EVERYTHING from now on.

  So I said, “Great! What film do you want to watch later then?”

  And Zach didn’t say anything and then he said he needed to go to the toilet. And we all KNEW it was because he cou
ldn’t decide.

  And we all burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. Especially when Maisie squealed, “TO WEE OR NOT TO WEE, ZACH? THAT IS THE QUESTION!”

  One time our teacher, Miss Jones, said she would tell us ANY STORY WE WANTED for our Friday treat.

  So I put my hand up and asked for the story of Macbeth by William Shakespeare. But then Gary Petrie said that Shakespeare was BORING and that he wanted a story that was NOT boring and was also SCARY.

  So that’s when I said that Macbeth WASN’T boring, actually. And that it was probably the SCARIEST story EVER because it had WITCHES and BLOOD and people getting their HEADS CHOPPED OFF.

  And that’s when Gary Petrie and everyone else BEGGED Miss Jones to tell us the story of Macbeth.

  But Miss Jones said, “Um, how about something else? Something with less blood, perhaps?”

  But we said no.

  So Miss Jones said that she didn’t know the story of Macbeth well enough to tell it. But we all KNEW that she was

  because she wanted us to have a story with LESS BLOOD.

  So I put my hand up and told Miss Jones that I could tell everyone the story because I knew it ALL.

  Miss Jones looked a bit annoyed, but she said yes anyway, because she didn’t really have a choice because everyone was looking at me and I’d already told Jodi to shut the curtains and put the lights off.

  So that’s when I told everyone that Macbeth was a STRONG soldier who ate six bowls of porridge and twenty pieces of toast every morning for his breakfast and that he could chop FOUR HEADS OFF with just ONE swing of his sword.