The Spy Who Loved School Dinners Read online

  But Jodi said she didn’t believe me, and she said, “You’re not allowed to drive cars on to boats. That would sink them.”

  But then Mathilde said, “Yes. Zee cars can go on zee ferry to France.” And then Jodi couldn’t argue any more because Mathilde is actually from France, and is French, so she knows better than Jodi.

  And then Zach said that it would be easy to go in a car because his mum had a car, and so did my mum and dad. And then he said that we’d have to ask one of our mums to drive us because obviously we couldn’t drive ourselves.

  But Mathilde said, “NO! You cannot tell! This is a SECRET MEESSION! My parents, they cannot find out!”

  And then Jodi’s eyes went REALLY wide (like SCARY wide). And she started jumping up and down and saying,

  “I KNOW,

  I KNOW,

  I’VE GOT IT,

  I’VE GOT IT!”

  And then she grabbed the marker right out of my hand and drew a big ice-cream van.

  I thought Jodi’s plan was BRILLIANT! It was probably the best plan that ANYONE had ever come up with. Even better than Captain Scott’s plan to go sledging in all that snow in Antarctica!

  The plan was that we would write a fake order for a hundred ice-cream cones (with Flakes) to be delivered to the Eiffel Tower. And then we’d put the order in Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend’s ice-cream van. And we’d put the orange squash bottle full of 5p’s there too, to pay for it.

  So then when Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend saw the order, he’d have to drive to Paris right away, because we’d already paid. And Mathilde would be hiding in the back, and then she’d get back her old school and her old friends in France! Jodi was a GENIUS!

  So after school we all went to Jodi’s house for tea. And Jodi’s mum was REALLY excited to have Mathilde over, and she kept talking to Mathilde in French, and then she would ask Mathilde if what she said sounded right, and Mathilde would smile and nod and say, “Oui.” And then when Jodi’s mum went away we asked Mathilde if what Jodi’s mum had said actually DID make sense in French, and Mathilde said no.

  Jodi’s mum made us all this weird stuff for tea, stuff that we don’t usually have at Jodi’s house, and one of them was a “VEGETABLE EIFFEL TOWER”. And that was probably the worst thing I’ve ever had at Jodi’s house. But I just ate it anyway because we weren’t really there for tea; we were there on a mission.

  So after tea we all sat and watched TV with Jodi’s mum and waited until Jodi’s mum’s new boyfriend got there. Then when he got there, Jodi’s mum got really excited because he had a gift for her, and it was all wrapped up in a pink bow, and I thought it looked like a box of chocolates, and it was.

  Jodi said that her mum’s new boyfriend always brings her chocolates, and flowers, and sometimes perfume. And he lets Jodi have all the ice-cream she wants from his ice-cream van (which is awesome!).

  Sometimes Dad takes me out in his van. But my dad’s a plumber, so there’s no ice-cream or anything good like that in his van, just boring stuff. And sometimes it smells really bad in the van if there’s been a “LOO EMERGENCY”.

  So anyway, Jodi waited until nobody was looking, and then she took the keys out of her mum’s new boyfriend’s coat. And she did it really slowly, and she held them really tight so they wouldn’t jingle. And Maisie squeezed my hand so tight I made a noise, and Jodi STARED at me with her angry stare (even though it wasn’t my fault!).

  Then Jodi went through to the kitchen and told her mum that we were all going to Zach’s. And Jodi’s mum said, “All right. Make sure you phone me as soon as you get there.”

  Our mums always make us do that, even though we only live down the road and along a bit from each other.

  So we all said bye, and then ran out of the door and down the stairs to the ice-cream van. And I was so excited I thought I was going to burst. But Maisie looked really pale, because she was scared that we were going to get put in prison for stealing an ice-cream van. But, like Jodi said, it wasn’t like we were going to STEAL it; we were just going to hide Mathilde behind the box of Flakes. And then we’d put the keys back right away, and go to Zach’s like we’d said.

  When we got outside we saw the ice-cream van parked on the street. And Jodi said that she would go first, and open the door, and that we should stay

  So we all hid behind a wheelie bin, and watched as Jodi ran to the van and opened the back door, and then she disappeared inside.

  Mathilde clapped her hands and said, “Zee plan is going to work!” And I saw that Jodi was waving something out of the back, and that it was a Mint Aero ice-cream. And that was the sign for

  So we all ran, and Jodi shut the door behind us before anyone could see.

  I expected it to be really dark inside the van, but it wasn’t really, because it was still light outside. It smelled GREAT in there, and I couldn’t stop looking at all the sweets, and the ice-creams, and I really wanted a Mint Aero or a Bounty ice-cream, but I knew if I asked Jodi that she would say no, because we were on a secret mission.

  So we started moving the boxes of Flakes to make a hiding spot for Mathilde, but then we heard someone shout, “I’VE GOT THEM!” And we all froze. And then we heard a key turn in the lock. And we knew we were locked in. And that we must be “THEM”. And that we were being kidnapped!

  I was trying not to panic. But it was hard, because Maisie had fainted on me, and I was squashed up against the fridge, and I’d sat on a Twister, and it was cold and wet, and also because we were being kidnapped!

  And then Mathilde whispered, “It eez my parents! They have found out about zee secret meession!”

  But then we heard someone singing! And Jodi said, “That’s my mum’s BOYFRIEND!”

  So then I looked at Jodi. And Jodi looked at me. And we both knew what had happened. We had left the keys in the lock! And Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend must have been looking for his keys, and then he must have found them, and he must have just thought he’d left them in the door by mistake.

  And then we heard the engine starting. And then we were moving. And we didn’t know where we were going, but we knew that we were trapped.

  Then Maisie woke up and we told her what was happening. And Maisie was relieved that we weren’t really being kidnapped on purpose, and only by accident.

  But then she said, “WAIT! We must be going to FRANCE to deliver the ice-creams!” And I realised that Maisie was right.

  Mathilde said, “It eez OK. You will LOVE zee France. You can all live with ME!”

  But then the ice-cream van stopped. And we heard Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend getting out. And we could hear voices and noises outside, but we didn’t know where we were. And then we started to hear singing again, and even though it was a serious situation I wanted to laugh because Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend sings in a really high, shaky woman’s voice, and it’s funny. And then Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend got back in the car and we started moving again. That’s when Jodi said that she could smell tuna mayonnaise, and that France was really far, and that her mum’s boyfriend had probably stopped to get a sandwich. And that’s when I realised that this was REALLY happening. And that we were REALLY going to France. And that my mum was going to go MAD! Because I am not even allowed to go past Jodi’s house on my own, so I don’t think I’m allowed to leave the country, even though Mum has not actually said that.

  We were driving for ages and ages. Zach fell asleep, and so did Maisie. But me and Jodi just stayed awake. And so did Mathilde. And then we eventually stopped. And we heard Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend getting out. And then we heard him walking away. And then we were on our own.

  Then Mathilde said, “We are in Paree! I know it!”

  So we tried to look outside to see if we could see the Eiffel Tower, but it was too dark, and there was a huge Strawberry Cornetto sticker in the way.

  And then Mathilde said, “You did it! Thank you! We’re are OK now, no?”

  And Jodi said, “We’re OK now.”

  But by that time Maisie was HYSTERICAL, an
d she started squealing, “No, Mathilde! We’re not OK! We’re trapped in an ice-cream van, and nobody knows where we are, and we’ll probably be stuck here all night until someone eventually finds us, and by that time we will have probably all STARVED TO DEATH!”

  And then we all started to get a bit worried, even Jodi, because we WERE trapped. And then Maisie started crying and said that she didn’t want to be in France, and that she wanted to be in Scotland. And that she missed her mum. And that she wanted to go to her bed with the little curtains because it was late. And it WAS late, but none of us knew what time it was because none of us had watches.

  And then Zach said that he thought we were going to die of STARVATION if somebody didn’t find us soon. And that he didn’t want his mum to have to live on her own, now that his dad had moved out for good.

  And then Zach started crying even more than Maisie. And I knew that Zach probably wasn’t crying because we were trapped in an ice-cream van in France, and that he was probably crying because of his dad moving out for good.

  And then Mathilde said, “No more crying! We will eat ALL zee ice-cream so that we survive zee night alive!” And then she made two HUGE ice-cream cones with the swirly machine, and then she said, “I will do it special, like zee ones we get in Paree!” And then Mathilde put strawberry sauce, chocolate sauce AND banana sauce all over the cones. And then she put FIVE FLAKES in each!

  Mathilde gave one to Maisie first, and then one to Zach, and then she made the same for me and Jodi. And it was BRILLIANT! And then Jodi got the giggles, because she sometimes gets the giggles if she has too many sweets and stuff.

  And Jodi said, “Do you remember when we thought Mathilde was a Spy Boss on an international secret mission to steal hidden treasure?” And then she burst out laughing for ages, and strawberry sauce came out of her nose.

  Then Mathilde said, “What eez a Spy Boss? You are so crazy!” And we all burst out laughing, even Maisie!

  And then Jodi screamed, “SHEPHERD’S PIE SPY!!” And then she laughed so much she couldn’t get up off the floor.

  And then Mathilde said, “What eez zee shepherd’s pie?” And so we told Mathilde all about the Shepherd’s Pie Test, and about how shepherd’s pie is DISGUSTING, and about how all the teachers put theirs in the bin.

  And then Mathilde laughed too and said, “I think it tastes good, no?” And we all laughed until tears came out and our cheeks started to hurt.

  Mathilde made us tell her all about our plans, and how we used to think she was a grown-up School Inspector Spy. And then she laughed for ages and ages, and she kept calling us “CRAZY” and it was hilarious. And we made sure that we ate loads and loads of ice-cream so that we didn’t starve to death.

  And then I was just thinking that it must be morning by now, and that’s when Maisie was sick. And then Zach saw that Maisie was sick, and that made him sick too, because Zach is always sick when he sees other people being sick.

  And I looked at Jodi, and she was still giggling, but she looked like she was going to be sick too, and I knew it was from all the ice-cream and all the laughing.

  Then we heard a noise outside. And we all screamed, “HELP! WE’RE TRAPPED INSIDE THE ICE-CREAM VAN!” And then the doors flew open and we saw two policemen standing there.

  And Zach shouted, “WE’RE SAVED!”

  And Mathilde started speaking to them in really fast French, but they looked confused, and that’s when I realised that they weren’t French police officers, and that they were Scottish police officers, and that WE WERE STILL IN SCOTLAND!

  And then we saw that we were right outside Jodi’s house again! And we were shocked, because we thought we were definitely in Paris!

  And then I saw Jodi’s mum, and she was crying, and so was her new boyfriend. And I thought that he was probably crying because he felt bad for being the one who had locked us in. And then I saw Zach’s mum and she looked like she had been crying too. And then I saw my mum, and she looked mad.

  And then Mathilde said, “Maman!” and I saw that Mathilde’s mum and dad were there too.

  And then someone in the crowd screamed, “ANGEL WINGS!” And it was Maisie’s mum. But then Maisie’s mum took one look at the state of Maisie, covered in all the colourful ice-cream sick, and she fainted. And she had to be taken away on a stretcher.

  Mum and Dad gave me a big hug and then they said I was in BIG TROUBLE. And then Mum gave me another hug, and loads of kisses.

  Everyone kept asking if we were OK, and I said that we were but that we felt a bit sick from all the ice-cream. And then I told them about how we had to eat it all so that we didn’t starve to death overnight. And they all started laughing.

  Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend looked inside the van and said, “Wow. You’ve made a fair dent in my stock anyway! No chance of any of you starving any time soon!” And then they all laughed again, even though it wasn’t funny, and they were probably just laughing because they were in shock.

  And then Jodi asked the police officer why it had taken him so long to EVENTUALLY find us. And she explained about how if SHE had been the one looking for us, she was sure she would have found us at least ten hours before they did.

  And then the police officer looked a bit annoyed. And then he said that they had found the fake order and the orange squash bottle full of 5p’s behind the wheelie bin. And that’s when we remembered we’d forgotten to bring them with us. And that we had forgotten to put it in the front of the van so Jodi’s mum’s boyfriend would find it.

  And then the police officer told us that it was only 7p.m. and that he doubted Jodi would have been able to do a quicker job than he had, because we’d only been missing for an hour and a half. And then Jodi said that she didn’t believe him about it only being 7p.m., and neither did I. But then he sighed and showed us his watch, and then we believed him. And then we all went home.

  On Monday we told Mathilde that we were sorry the plan didn’t work. And then I said that maybe we could think of a new plan.

  But Mathilde said that she didn’t want to do a new plan, because she said she wasn’t homesick any more, and that she liked it here now. And then she asked if we could go to The Den, so we did.

  Then at lunchtime Mathilde ate all our shepherd’s pie, and gave us her packed lunch. And that was brilliant because Mathilde’s dad had made her LOADS of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and three packets of these little chocolates we’d never had before, and they were THE BEST!

  I’m really glad Mathilde is our friend now. But I’m a bit sad too, because Mathilde’s going back to live in France next month, because she says her mum and dad are HOMESICK! And it’s funny because Mathilde doesn’t even WANT to leave our school now, because she says she’ll miss her “CRAZY NEW FRIENDS” (that’s us!). And that she’ll also miss The Den, and Miss Jones, and the ice-cream van, and all the shepherd’s pie! So we said we’d make sure we’d send her all of our shepherd’s pie. And Mathilde’s going to send us more of the little chocolates, because they’re brilliant, and you don’t get them in the shops here.

  Mathilde’s mum said that we could all come and visit Mathilde in France whenever we want. So I asked Mum, but Mum said, “Isabella! There is NO WAY I am letting you go ANYWHERE any time soon!”

  But that’s probably just because she’s still upset about when we went missing in the ice-cream van. So I’ll wait and ask her again tomorrow.

  Ode to Andy

  As I hold this book

  And lay down my bouquet,

  These words are for you

  On our wedding day.

  I love you like foxes,

  I love you like ducks,

  I love you more than Khan’s

  Chips, cheese and Doner Deluxe.

  So let all cats rejoice and poodles prance,

  Pugs delight and sausage dogs dance,

  For today you become my husband

  And I your lucky wife.

  And I promise to keep you laughing

  For the rest of you
r natural life.

  Copyright

  For Andy, on our wedding day

  THE SPY WHO LOVED SCHOOL DINNERS

  First published in the UK in 2014 by Nosy Crow Ltd

  The Crow's Nest, 10a Lant Street

  London SE1 1QR, UK

  This ebook edition first published in 2014

  Nosy Crow and associated logos are trademarks and / or registered trademarks of Nosy Crow Ltd

  Text copyright © Pamela Butchart, 2014

  Cover and interior illustrations © Thomas Flintham, 2014

  The rights of Pamela Butchart and Thomas Flintham to be identified as author and illustrator of this work have been asserted by them under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved.

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, incidents and dialogues are products of the author's imagination or are used fictiously. Any resemblence to actual people, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  ISBN: 978 0 85763 258 6

  www.nosycrow.com