Baby Aliens Got My Teacher! Read online

  The office lady started wriggling her toes loads and we could hear her typing on her keyboard. I didn’t know what was going to happen if we got caught. I thought maybe we would get sent to the Head Teacher. But then I remembered that the Head Teacher was probably an alien too! So she might not send us to the Head Teacher. She might just zap us with her eye-beams or eat us or put baby aliens in our ears like what probably happened to poor Maisie.

  And then Zach did a little gasp and pointed to the foot that was beside him. And I saw that the office lady had a weird squashed pinky toe, that wasn’t even really a toe. It was just a stump with a tiny little nail on it that you would probably need a microscope to see properly. I wasn’t sure if this was ALIEN EVIDENCE or not but it looked a bit weird anyway. The office lady kept wriggling her toes and Zach couldn’t stop staring at them.

  It was starting to get really smelly under the desk and the office lady’s weird pinky-stump was almost touching Zach’s knee. And I needed to cough and I thought we were going to get caught, but then someone rang the bell at the reception.

  The office lady stopped wriggling her toes and groaned. Then she kept typing for another two whole minutes before she finally started trying to find her shoes. So we shoved them over beside her feet so she didn’t have to look under the desk and then she groaned again and got up.

  We waited to hear what was happening and then a little voice said, “Come quick! Someone’s locked in the girls’ toilets!” And we recognised the voice … it was Maisie! She’d saved us!

  Then the office lady said, “I can’t get ONE MINUTE to myself!” and then we heard her high heels clip-clopping down the corridor. Then Maisie whispered, “HURRY! Before she gets back!” And then she said she’d meet us in The Den.

  So me and Zach crawled out and so did Jodi. And then Zach saw a door and said, “LOOK!” and we didn’t know where the door went but we could hear some of the other office ladies coming back so we just opened it and went through because anywhere was better than being back under the desk with the smelly alien toe.

  But when we shut the door behind us we all went really quiet because we knew exactly where we were. We were in the Deputy Head’s office!

  I couldn’t believe we were in scary Mrs Seith’s office. We knew where we were because last year Jodi had said that she and her mum were vegetarians now because her mum had read on the internet that all the famous people are vegetarians and it was the best thing to do if you wanted to grow your hair long and shiny.

  So when we went to school dinners, the dinner lady asked Jodi what she wanted and Jodi said, “I’ll have the vegetarian option, please.” And the dinner lady said that the only vegetarian option was the cabbage (yuck) and Jodi said she didn’t like cabbage and that she wanted a veggie burger and the dinner lady said they didn’t have any of those and just put a big dollop of cabbage on Jodi’s plate.

  So then Jodi had a JT (Jodi Tantrum)and started screaming that it was “ALL AGAINST HER HUMAN RIGHTS” and that she was going to get her mum up to the school. And then we made a poster about school dinners and human rights and tried to put it up in the dinner hall.

  But then we both got sent to the Deputy Head’s office. So that’s how we knew where we were.

  But Zach didn’t know where he was until I told him because Zach is usually good and doesn’t get into too much trouble like we sometimes do. And when he does, he usually just starts crying and then he doesn’t get into trouble any more.

  So anyway, Zach started panicking because he’s the most scared of Mrs Seith and he said, “Let’s go before she gets back! Let’s go! Let’s go!” But Jodi said that we should have a quick look for evidence first since we were already in. Then she said that if the office ladies were right next door to Mrs Seith, then Mrs Seith might be an alien too!

  I didn’t want to stay either because Mrs Seith is scary enough just as a normal human. But there was no point in arguing with Jodi because she had THAT LOOK on her face. Like the time she decided we were going to win the three-legged race at the Fun Day and she made us practise every break and lunch for two weeks. But then Lynsey Perry said SHE was going to win with Ashley Todd, so Jodi said we had to “CRANK IT UP A NOTCH!” which meant I had to stay at her house that weekend and she made us stay tied together all weekend (except for showers and toilets). But then on the Fun Day we won by a mile and got a trophy and everything and Lynsey Perry was furious so it was worth it.

  So anyway, we started searching for ALIEN EVIDENCE. We looked in all the drawers and cabinets and then Zach said to look inside all the books on the bookshelf because he said he saw a programme once where all these old rich people kept books on bookshelves. And that some of the books weren’t books at all and that they were safes and had secret compartments to keep secret stuff and jewels in. So we started looking inside all the books and then Jodi whispered, “EVIDENCE,” because she found a lunch-box in Mrs Seith’s bag with little fish inside it. And Zach said, “ALIEN FOOD!”

  But then we heard a toilet flushing! And we looked around and saw that there were three doors in Mrs Seith’s office. The one we came through when we escaped from the office ladies and two more. So I said, “She’s got her own toilet!” and pointed to where the noise was coming from and then we all ran out the third door and didn’t stop running until we got to The Den.

  When we got to The Den, Maisie was already there. Zach gave her a big hug and said, “We thought they’d got you!” And I said, “Where have you been?” And then Jodi checked her ears.

  Maisie told us that her mum had wanted her to go to the doctor’s because she said she was practically “ON HER DEATH BED”. But the receptionist at the doctor’s said there were no appointments left for today, so Maisie’s mum had taken her straight to the big hospital and then the doctor there said there was nothing wrong with Maisie’s ears and that “Sometimes children just vomit for no apparent reason, like cats.”

  So Maisie’s mum said, “My daughter is NOT a cat!” and then she asked to see another doctor. And then when another doctor came, he didn’t say anything about cats, he just looked in Maisie’s ears and checked her temperature and then he said that she was fine so her mum dropped her off at school.

  Then Maisie said, “I think we’ve got a SERIOUS problem,” and then she pulled something out her school bag and said, “When I signed in the office lady gave me this because I’d been ill.” And then she opened her hand and we saw it was a KIT KAT. And then Jodi said, “HARD EVIDENCE,” and we knew what this meant. It meant that the office ladies really WERE aliens because they usually just ignored us.

  Then Maisie’s voice went really weird and I couldn’t really hear what she was saying at first because her voice was shaking so much. Like the time at assembly when I had the biggest reading to do and everyone was staring at me, and some of the older kids were laughing and my hands were sweaty and I felt sick every time I started reading and my voice went shaky because I was going to cry.

  And then I heard Maisie say, “There’s something else.” I heard Zach do a gulp and then Maisie said, “The office lady put her hand out of the glass window and tried to touch my head. I think she was trying to put a baby alien in my ear! So I ran!”

  Then Maisie said she had been too scared to come to class in case Miss Jones was back so she hid in The Den. And then she said she had heard us when we passed to go to the office and followed us. And Jodi said, “Was there really someone locked in the toilet?” and Zach said, “No. It was a diversion, wasn’t it?” And Maisie said yes and we all told Maisie she was really brave and thanked her for saving us.

  Then Jodi told Maisie about being in the Deputy Head’s office and the alien food we found with the little fish and then Maisie’s eyes started to do a weird cross-eyed thing so Zach said we should all sit down and relax and have a cup of cold tea and drink it too this time. Because that’s what his mum and gran always do if they’ve had a big fright. So we did.

  After our tea, Jodi said we should go back to class ASA
P so Miss Jones and the other aliens wouldn’t get suspicious. She also said, “They might know we’re on to them so act NORMAL.” So we all said we would and then Maisie went really pale like Jodi had looked when she had the chalk-face.

  Then Jodi said we should all put our hands together in a circle before we went because we were a team. Zach said we should be called

  But Jodi said that was too long. So I said we could be called

  But Maisie said that sounded too scary and too violent. So we said we wouldn’t have a name. But it didn’t matter anyway because we didn’t need a name. We had another plan.

  When we got back to class, Miss Jones didn’t even seem to notice how long we’d been gone. She was too busy singing and dancing with her weird, evil-looking teddy. So we just joined in and pretended like nothing had happened. I didn’t know why we were dancing in the middle of the classroom.

  We usually didn’t do dancing unless it was country dancing with Mrs Small, who smells like corned beef. Also it was quite hard to act normal like Jodi had said we should because it wasn’t exactly NORMAL to be dancing in the classroom at half-past eleven when we usually did our spelling.

  I was just about to say to Zach that we should all just sit down and watch when Miss Jones started screaming and clapping her hands. And then she said, “GARY! What a beautiful dance!” And then Gary Petrie did a twirl and a jumpy thing and looked right at me and smiled really wide and said, “You look nice today, Izzy. Would you like to dance?” and I was SPEECHLESS.

  Like the time the Head Teacher said he wanted us to turn the school into a GREEN SCHOOL (which only means a school that is good at recycling and saving the planet, but me and Jodi didn’t know that until after). So me and Jodi helped with the recycling and then we got green paint from Dad’s shed and we painted the reception, the toilets, the steps, and two cars in the car park. And when the Head Teacher saw what we had done he was completely SPEECHLESS.

  Mum said you can be speechless in a GOOD way or in a BAD way. Jodi said that she thought Mr Murphy was speechless in a GOOD WAY because we’d done such a great job, and we would definitely get the Green School Trophy from the Council now. But I think Mr Murphy was speechless in a BAD WAY because he cried a little bit.

  So anyway, when Gary Petrie tried to hold my hand with his bogey fingers and get me to dance with him, I was definitely speechless in a BAD WAY. I looked at Jodi and she was just as shocked as I was, and her mouth was hanging wide open. Something wasn’t right. Gary was dancing and being polite and Gary didn’t even like dancing. Every time Mrs Small came he moaned and said that dancing was for girls and that he wasn’t doing it. And then he would give Mrs Small cheek and get sent to the Deputy Head.

  That’s how we found out Miss Jones must have put an alien in Gary Petrie’s ear.

  We acted very normal for the rest of the day. And we made sure we didn’t let ANYONE get anywhere near our ears.

  Jodi said we should go everywhere together and then she said, “ACT NORMAL AND KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN AT ALL TIMES.” So we did.

  Then in the afternoon, Miss Jones said we could all read our books because she was a bit sleepy from all the dancing. But I didn’t read any of mine. I couldn’t stop looking at the clock, because as soon as it was home time, we would start Plan 2.

  Then when it was ten minutes before the bell Miss Jones said, “RIGHT! How about a quick game of HEADS DOWN THUMBS UP before the bell?” And that’s when I really started to panic!

  You probably know the game “Heads Down Thumbs Up”. But just in case you live in France or somewhere like that then I’ll tell you what it is. Everyone puts their heads down on the desk with their eyes closed and their thumbs sticking up. Then four people are picked to stand at the front. And then when everyone has their heads down and nobody is peeking, they sneak around and pick one person each and squeeze their thumbs. Then when they have all picked someone they go back to the front of the classroom and say, “OK,” and everyone brings their head back up and opens their eyes. Then the teacher says, “If your thumb was squeezed STAND UP!” and then usually four people stand up, but sometimes there are five if someone is pretending their thumb got squeezed when it didn’t. Then the people who got their thumb squeezed have to try and guess who squeezed it and if they get it right they get to swap places and be one of the Squeezers.

  It’s usually a really fun game, but we haven’t played it for ages because Miss Jones doesn’t like it. And that’s one reason I started to panic when she suggested it because she doesn’t even LIKE that game. But the main reason I started to panic was because if we all had our heads down and our eyes closed then Miss Jones would have FULL ACCESS to our ears because we couldn’t even stick our fingers in them because we’d have to put our thumbs up.

  Then Miss Jones said SHE would be one of the Squeezers and so would Gary Petrie! I didn’t know what to do. I looked at Zach and he was texting on his phone under the table and I looked at it and it said:

  Then I looked at Maisie and it looked like she was already in position to play the game. But then I saw her thumbs weren’t up and I knew that she had fainted. That’s when I thought we were doomed.

  But then I looked at Jodi and she had THAT LOOK in her eyes and I didn’t know what she was going to do, but I knew she was going to do something. And then Jodi had the biggest JT ever!

  She jumped up and her seat went flying and she started screaming, “GO GO GO!!” and that meant RUN, so we did. Jodi started throwing jotters and pens all over the place and then she waved a ruler at Gary Petrie when he tried to get up, and me and Zach had to carry Maisie by a leg and an arm each but we were still going really fast because we just HAD TO, and Miss Jones was shouting,

  “STOP! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”

  and then when we were almost out the door I remembered Plan 2.

  Plan 2 was that we were going to steal Miss Jones’s weird teddy to find out what she was planning and stop her. So even though I was really scared and we were nearly out in the corridor, I ran back and Jodi shouted, “Izzy!

  NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  Iran across the room so fast that I almost fell over. Miss Jones was rushing towards me and shouting, “COME BACK! What are you doing?!” I could tell everyone was staring at me and that they were probably all in shock, but I didn’t even look. I just grabbed Miss Jones’s teddy off her desk as quickly as I could and started to run. And that’s when it happened. Something inside the teddy moved! I was so shocked I almost dropped it. And then Jodi shouted,

  “IZZY, RUN!”

  So I ran.

  We ran to the girls’ toilets but Zach didn’t want to come inside, he wanted to go to The Den. But The Den was too far away and we were scared we might bump into Mrs Seith who’d know we shouldn’t be out of class and then we’d be in

  BIG TROUBLE!

  So we just grabbed Zach and dragged him into the girls’ toilets and then locked ourselves in one of the cubicles.

  After we all got our breath back I said, “There’s something wrong with the teddy. It moved! Something inside the teddy moved!” Then Zach got scared and said that maybe I just imagined it like the time I had the flu and thought his cat, Carlos, was speaking to me in Spanish. But then I said, “IT DEFINITELY MOVED!” and everyone believed me because I said it in a very serious voice and I was nearly crying because of everything.

  So Jodi said we should calm down and that she would take the teddy from me very slowly and do an EXAMINATION. And then she picked the teddy up carefully and started to feel it all over its body. And then it MOVED AGAIN! And that’s when Maisie shouted, “The baby aliens! THE BABY ALIENS!!”

  And we all knew what she meant. Miss Jones kept the baby aliens inside her teddy! That was why she was always hugging it and stuff. Jodi went silent and was scared to move because she was still holding the teddy and then she whispered, “What if it explodes, like the office ladies said? The aliens will get out!” Then Maisie covered her ears and squealed, “Do something! QUICK!” So Zach said,
“We’ll bury it! Then when it explodes the aliens won’t be able to land in our ears.”

  So Jodi said she’d be in charge of TRANSPORTING the teddy since she was good at holding it carefully. And I said we needed to find a spade

  ASAP.

  But then Maisie said, “Wait! I’ve got a better idea.” And she didn’t look scared any more, she looked SERIOUS and then she said, “We need to DECAPITATE the teddy!”

  I didn’t know what DECAPITATE meant, but then Zach said it meant Maisie wanted us to chop the teddy’s head off! Maisie said the only way we could be sure that the baby aliens would be gone for good was to flush them down the loo and see them die “WITH OUR OWN EYES”. Everyone agreed, especially when Maisie said it would be better than burying them in case the aliens wriggled their way up through the mud and managed to find us.

  So we got ready to do the decapitation and then Jodi said, “What do you think they’ll look like?” And I said that the baby aliens would probably look like little green peas with slimy arms and legs and that there would probably be millions of them since Miss Jones was planning an ALIEN INVASION. And then Zach said he was going to be sick so we told him to go into the other toilet before we started.