To Wee or Not to Wee Page 4
And that’s when Romeo leaped out of the bushes and screamed, “I don’t CARE that I’m a Montague and you’re a Capulet!
And Juliet said yes, because it turns out she was just as OBSESSED with LOVE as Romeo was and also because Romeo said she could bring all her cats if she liked and that they could be the bridesmaids.
So Romeo threw an engagement ring up to her window that he’d made using HIS OWN HAIR when he was hiding in the bushes because he was very arty and a bit weird.
The next day Romeo asked Friar Laurence if he would do the secret wedding because he knew they would have to keep their love a secret because of the FEUD.
Friar Laurence said OK but that it had to be NOW because the Church Cake Sale was that day. So Romeo RAN to get Juliet and Juliet’s maid pulled down one of the bedroom curtains and quickly made a wedding dress from it.
Romeo
when he saw Juliet in her wedding dress and he fainted about twenty times before he eventually managed to get down the aisle with the bouquet (he’d always dreamed of doing that and Juliet wasn’t really bothered).
Romeo and Juliet kept giving each other little kisses and Friar Laurence eventually had to tell them to stop it and wait for him to say, “You may now kiss the bride” or they wouldn’t be properly married.
Romeo gave Juliet ANOTHER horrible hair ring for a wedding ring and then they kissed and did one of their dance routines (even though it was all a bit pointless because there was NO WAY their mums and dads were going to be OK with the marriage because of the feud).
That night Romeo went out for pizza with his best friend Mercutio because he hadn’t had his stag night yet. But then Juliet’s cousin TYBALT walked in and ate a WHOLE MARGHERITA PIZZA and STARED at Romeo while he ate it. And EVERYONE knew that meant that he was challenging Romeo to a SWORD FIGHT because Romeo had gatecrashed the Capulet party.
That put Romeo in a bit of an awkward situation since Tybalt was his SECRET COUSIN now because of the secret wedding so he didn’t want to fight with his new family, especially on his wedding night.
So Mercutio jumped in to help him out and said, “Fight ME instead!” But Mercutio got distracted during the fighting because Romeo kept asking him if he thought Tenerife was a good place for the honeymoon, and eventually Mercutio got stabbed. And before he died Mercutio screamed, “A plague on both your houses!” because he was really annoyed that he was having to die because of a stupid feud about a hoover.
Romeo did the BIGGEST GASP anyone has probably ever done when Mercutio got killed and then he screamed for ages because Mercutio was his best friend EVER!
Romeo’s mood TOTALLY changed after that. He wanted REVENGE. So he grabbed Mercutio’s sword and stabbed Tybalt! And THAT’S when Romeo got his revenge. And ALSO when he realised that he was now DOOMED.
When Friar Laurence saw what Romeo had done he hid him in the church. Romeo was PANICKING because he was about to get KILLED by the prince or BANISHED FOR LIFE.
But then the friar said to CALM DOWN and he gave Romeo a tent and told him to go and hide in the countryside for a while until everything was sorted out. But Romeo wouldn’t go because he said he would miss Juliet too much. So Juliet gave him her cardie and one of her shoes to take with him and he went.
Juliet went home and cried LOADS because she wasn’t able to go camping with Romeo. And she got away with all the crying without her mum and dad asking her what was wrong because they thought she was crying because of Tybalt, but she wasn’t.
But then Juliet’s dad came to see her and said he’d done something to cheer her up and that he’d arranged for her to get MARRIED TO PARIS and that Paris was a foot model and had nice feet and loads of shoes and that the wedding was in two days!
Juliet was STRESSING OUT and she was also FURIOUS because her dad was trying to tell her who to marry and she’d had enough!
So she went to the friar for help. And that’s when the friar did something a bit stupid. He gave Juliet a
that if you took it lasted for two days and made it look like you had DIED when you drank it (even though you were still alive).
Juliet liked the plan because her dad couldn’t force her to marry Paris if he thought she was dead. And she knew that when she woke up two days later in her tomb, she could sneak out and get the bus into the countryside and then live happily ever after with Romeo, in the tent.
But the friar said NOT TO TAKE THE POTION UNTIL THE NEXT DAY because he needed to get a message to Romeo first so that he would know Juliet was only PRETEND DEAD and not freak out.
But OBVIOUSLY something went wrong because
goes wrong for Romeo and Juliet because they are DOOMED because of the stupid feud between their families.
When Juliet got home there were loads of cars in the driveway and music playing and then she saw that her dad had brought the red carpet down from the loft and she just KNEW that he was doing the wedding NOW because he was so excited about doing his Father of the Bride speech.
So Juliet took the potion RIGHT AWAY and everyone thought she was dead in the car park because of the Plague.
So the wedding turned into a funeral and the next day it was ALL OVER THE NEWS because Juliet’s family were rich and a bit famous.
And even though the friar sent the letter to Romeo by First Class Special Delivery Romeo didn’t get it because his tent didn’t have a letter box. And when Romeo went to the country shops to buy a magazine because he was bored he saw the picture of JULIET’S FUNERAL ON THE FRONT PAGE and he screamed,
and then he ran all the way back to Verona.
Romeo lay next to Juliet in the tomb and cried and cried because he thought she was dead. And then he said that he couldn’t BEAR to be without her and that he wanted to stay with her in the tomb FOR EVER so he drank a bottle of poison.
And that is the MOST ANNOYING bit of the story because if Romeo had just CALMED DOWN and stopped CRYING for one minute he would have heard Juliet snoring and seen her drooling a bit and realised that she was actually ALIVE!
As soon as Romeo drank the poison Juliet woke up and gave him a big hug. But then Romeo died. And Juliet screamed,
and tried to drink the poison too but there wasn’t any left so she stabbed herself with Romeo’s dagger and died because she had become just as dramatic as Romeo since she got married to him.
Friar Laurence went and got all the Capulets and the Montagues and said, “LOOK at what your stupid feud has done. NOBODY should have to die because of a hoover!”
And then he made them all say sorry and shake hands. And every single Montague and Capulet cried because this was a TRAGEDY and they all promised never EVER to fight again and to be best friends for life. And they should have just done that ages ago because the whole feud had been pointless. And it just shows that grown-ups can be really stupid and ruin everything sometimes.
And that was the end of the story. Then Jodi grabbed my hand and squashed it into Zach’s hand and held both of our hands REALLY TIGHT and said, “I’m not going to let EITHER of you die because of this feud!”
And then she told Zach to say to me, “I’m sorry and I will not ever do a feud with your family ever again,” and then she told me to say it too, without blinking, so I did.
That night, everyone came to my house and we forced Zach’s mum and my mum to watch us PERFORM the play of Romeo and Juliet and they laughed the whole way through it (even though it wasn’t supposed to be funny). And then Jodi did the Hand Thing to them at the end and we all cheered and Mum got the biscuits out because the FEUD was officially over.
Copyright
For Marina
TO WEE OR NOT TO WEE
First published in the UK in 2016 by Nosy Crow Ltd
The Crow’s Nest, 10a Lant Street
London SE1 1QR, UK
This ebook edition first published in 2016
Nosy Crow and associated logos are trademarks and / or registered trademarks of Nosy Crow Ltd
Text copyright © Pamela Butchart, 2016
Cover and interior illustrations © Thomas Flintham, 2016
The right of Pamela Butchart and Thomas Flintham to be identified as author and illustrator respectively of this work has been asserted by them under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved.
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, incidents and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictiously. Any resemblence to actual people, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
ISBN: 978 0 85763 791 8
www.nosycrow.com